Forgiveness.....

Last night was family night.

Sometimes it's great

Sometimes it's a battle - like it was last night.

We ended up writing letters

to

Santa.

Because Santa wants to have Christmas ready early this year.

:)

Everyone went right to work

Except for my oldest,

Eden.

Who got tears in her eyes

and wouldn't write anything down

but asked if she could 

"talk to me alone for a minute"

I motioned for her to come whisper it in my ear

She shook her head no, and told me it wasn't that kind of

talking.

Uh-oh.

I looked at Hottie Husband

with terror in my eyes.

And 20 minuets later when the rest of us were finished

and I was headed

upstairs

to talk.

I pulled him aside and told him

that I was worried!!!

Worried that

SHE

KNEW.

NO!!!!

NO!!!!!

This was the third time that the subject Santa Clause

had come up and

it was the third time that Eden had left the room

in TEARS.

And now..............

She was going to ask me

F L A T  -  O U T

"What am I going to tell her??????"

He calmly says,

(with a smile on his face)

"Just tell her the truth!"

MOAN, UGH, NOOOOOOO!!!!

I can handle having the final portion of

"the talk"

in regards to how the sperm gets to the egg.

I can handle buying the first bra.

I'm handling the estrogen-fed hormonal reactions pretty well.

BUT

I am NOT ready to admit how those stockings get filled on

Christmas Eve.

We sat on my bed

like we had many, many, MaNY times before

and I braced myself.

"Mom,"

she started....with tears following close behind

"Mom, I....I....I don't think I can ask Santa for anything this year because I've been doing a LOT of things that I should do, and I mean a LOT. And I haven't told you any of them - so I've been naughty and I deserve a lump of coal.....sob!!!"

Silence.

JOY!!!!!!!

Relief!

JOY!

Ahem......Nico-le.....come back to earth please.....

Oh,

right.

!!!

So I took my firstborn angel into my arms

and let her tell me all about it.

And she was right.

It WAS bad.

Horrible, actually.

She had an actual hiding place for her candy

so she could eat it in the basement.

Food is not allowed out of the kitchen in our home.

:)

30 minuets later we said goodnight

and she headed off to the room that she shared with her sister

to apologize

for not being nicer.

And to put into practice her first big lesson

about

repentance,

and forgiveness,

and about that yucky feeling that comes

from the spirit

when we've made a bad choice,

or 2 or 3.

That "Yucky Feeling"

It was a beautiful teaching moment.

My prayers that night were filled with gratitude.

Grateful that THAT day, 

I had been in tune enough with the Spirit

to be able to teach

instead of rolling my eyes.

Grateful that She had been sent to our family

first. to bless me. to bless her siblings.

And grateful that She

Believes.

In HIM

And yes -

In Santa too - who celebrates HIS birth by giving.

Greg Olsen art.

Forgiveness.

It's not always easy

or clear cut.

The scriptures teach us a lot about forgiveness

But through most of our life, we learn about forgiveness

throughout each day.

As we extend forgiveness freely

to those who may never ask for it, 

and to those, whose tender innocence really never needed it.

We learn about forgiveness

as others allow Christ's mercy to flow through their hearts

and into ours.

And we learn

so painfully

that being left alone to suffer

because of someones refusal to forgive

is akin to

being left alone in a room full of

mirrors.

Each one distorted into some

unrecognizable shape.

So we close our eyes

and look inward

to our heart.

And we keep our eyes closed.

closed to those who may hate us

or judge us

or simply misunderstand us

And our HEART

becomes our EYES

that set our sight inwards and upwards

towards

Our Savior.

Because 

HE FORGIVES.

******

"Forgiveness has nothing to do with them. It has to do with who we are and who we may become."

Richard Paul Evans in 'The Timepiece'

*******

We must forgive those who hurt us. The reason is simple: Bitterness and unforgiveness are claws that set their hooks deep in our hearts; they are chains that keep us held captive to the wounds and the messages of those wounds. Until you forgive, you remain their prisoner. Paul warns us that unforgiveness and bitterness can wreck our lives and the lives of others (Eph. 4:31; Heb. 12:15). We have to let them go.

Forgive as Christ has forgiven you. (Col 3:13)

Now - listen carefully. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling - don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will. "Don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving," wrote Neil Anderson. "You will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made . . ." We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past, for "if your forgiveness doesn't visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete." We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to our father, our mother, those who hurt us. This is not saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is not saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God."

It might help to remember that those who hurt you were also deeply wounded themselves. They were broken hearts, broken when they were young, and they fell captive to the Enemy. They were in fact pawns in his hands. This doesn't absolve them of the choices they made, the things they did. It just helps us to let them go - to realize that they were shattered souls themselves, used by our true Enemy in his war against femininity. 

Stasi and John Eldredge in  'Captivating'

************

Teaching Our Children

If there was one quality of mine that has served as both a blessing and a curse, it is my amazing ability to speak my mind. Clearly. Straightforward. When I speak with kindness, I've been able to lift and bless, love and nurture those in my life. When my tounge has been faster than my mind and heart and reason, well - let's just say that the term "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is SO not true. As I've grown older, and especially since marrying my sweetheart 10 years ago, I've tried to reign in the curse part of my quick wit and mouth and just, well, shut it when needs be.
With my children, I've been particularly sensitive to not just my WORDS but also the TONE and volume of my voice. One of our favorite sayings around our house is: "It's not what you say, but how you say it."

Sometimes we need to give ourselves a few minutes, or a few days, before responding to a situation to make sure that when we answer, we are giving the answer that we really mean and want to give. I'm so grateful for the Spirit that can let me know when to SAY it and when to let it go.

Today is Sunday and I'm home from church with our oldest daughter, who is recovering from her toncscilectomy. Everyone else is gone. It's snowing outside. And I'm DYING to do some work around the house. Just the usual stuff, re-arrange the furniture, a little paint here, a little wall-paper there, etc. etc. etc. After getting the rest of the family off to church the itch to DO intensified and I could feel this nagging irritation creeping into my soul. I was getting cranky! For no apparent reason. But the Spirit quickly reminded me that I hadn't had the time to pray and read from the scriptures yet. So I did. It was amazing - I read, like THREE chapters (yes, chapters, not just verses). That NEVER happens. And THEN, after tending to my daughters needs, I was able to flip through and read TWO talks from conference. WHOA!

I know, I know......you might think that I'm making this up, but  I promise I'm not. There was just so much QUIET around here. I came across my Relief Society Lesson Schedule and saw that my lesson for next month is --------"The Sabbath Day". Whoa? Oh, yeah. And then, as if it weren't obvious enough the last conference talk that I read was this one:

Click HERE to read or listen to "Stay on the Path"

And the top quote of the talk (for me?) :

"The world will teach our children if we do not, and children 

are capable of learning all the world will teach them at a very 

young age. What we want them to know five years from now 

needs to be part of our conversation with them today. Teach 

them in every circumstance; let every dilemma, every 

consequence, every trial that they may face provide an 

opportunity to teach them how to hold on to gospel truths."

This would be one of the blessing parts of my talk, talk, talk, talking. My children know a lot. NO, I'm not bragging - I promise. But part of my testimony as a Mother is that the above quote is 100% true. In 5 years, my oldest daughter will be turning 14. (ahhhhh!) My oldest son will be turning 12. So, we can teach our children every single part of the plan of salvation from the earliest age. Not only by talking to them, but by our examples. And when we make mistakes, which I happen to do every day, the best thing that I can do is to TALK via. acknowledging that I messed up and that I was wrong.

It's difficult to internalize the fact that if we are constantly talking to our children through our days - good and bad. If we share with them our inner struggles, our plan of attack to come out on Christ's side, and then tell them when we come through. They will learn. They will learn that "Parenting With LOVE and Logic" is how our Heavenly Father parents us also.

So, back to my "dilemma" in the first paragraph. No painting today. Please excuse me while I go play with legos. :)

Wills and Kate!

What is it about the British Royalty that has

the world, including

Americans

So enthralled?

Last night I did my dreaded shopping trip

to Costco.

Before checking out I flipped through

People Magazine

and read the article about the

"official betrothal"

of

Prince William

and 

Kate Middleton.

Sigh.

Sigh.

I remembered back to when I heard

the news that

Princess Diana

had died in a car accident.

I cried for days.

 I was glued to the tv and newspapers.

And then watching her boys walk behind

her casket.

It was so sad.

So tonight, as I was thinking about this

new "royal" engagement,

my final thought was this -

We are all royalty.

For real.

What would the world be like if we remembered that

ALL the TIME?

Would we feel so much joy

at each marriage?

That was quite a thought.

I'm still thinking about that one.

And they lived Happily Ever After.....
(Even if it was crazy)

************************

PS.

My last post wasn't about any ONE person.

It was as much about myself as anyone.

I wrote it after Kurt had come home from work

an hour late.

And I was upset - felt SO justified feeling that way.

But then, when I picked up my son

from  a friends house

also an hour late

And I could tell that she was upset,

I felt like a schmuk,

but there was a part of me that thought she

should understand that I did the best I could

and SHE shouldn't be upset.

But I COULD be upset?

Uh-huh.

No-one is perfect.

I suppose that if I had put the last post in gospel terms

it would have started like this:

All we, like sheep, have gone astray.....

Hypocrite, shmypocrite.....

Seriously?

SERIOUSLY?

I LOVE how our entire perspective of 

LIFE

and

LOVE

and 

LIARS

can change from one day to the next.

What a joke.

What a FREAKING joke.

Good Family Living

What is it?

Well,

for us

it was living for 9 years

thinking one side of the family

was "functional"

and the other side,

"disfunctional"

Then,

KA-POW!!!!!

Let's just switch things up a bit,

try that one on for size.

R    I     G    H   T.

Judge here

Don't judge here

Forgive here

Don't forgive here

Love here

but

Don't love here

Learn from THIS situation

but not this one.

Be patient tonight,

but not tomorrow night.

Like I said.

One

Really

BIG

Joke.

Just don't forget

whilst living this humongous

JOKE

that

Laughter is the best medicine.

Ha

Ha

Ha

PS. My firstborn princess is having her tonsils out tomorrow. She's really excited about all of the ice-cream and popsicles she gets to eat. And I feel like I'm going to cry and throw-up at the same time.

*Pray that she'll be brave and not have any complications.

*Pray that her complicated Mother will be brave too.

Please.

Thanks.

Happy Monday....TGIM!

Call me crazy,

but

I LOVE Mondays.

Something about getting back to the

routine.

School Days especially bring

structure and

consistency

That my kids crave as much as I do.

This morning the oldest 2 kids were late

because (I think) they thought

I was joking when I said to get dressed.

But then,

my two babies

(2 1/2 and 4 1/2 lol)

and I went to run some errands.

They were blissful

because they always want to 

GO

in the morning.....

"NO! go home Mommy!"

So,

we hit the Dr's office

to pick up a prescription

then we watched

Krispy Kreme MAKE their doughnuts

(we've never actually seen the 'HOT' sign on)

And my princess was singing the whole time

and telling me that I'm the bestest Mommy

in the EVER world :)

I vacillated between

'Kid to Kid',

'D.I.'

or 'Savers' to look for size 7slim

jeans for my oldest boy.

We went to 'Savers'

It was my first, and last time in their store.

Ugh.

But the good news was that they sold

Silly Bands for only $2.00

The man in front of us had $300.00 worth of STUFF

in his cart. 

We waited for 20 minutes for our turn

and my baby boy spent the whole time

moving the silly bands from

one display hanger to the other.

I was quite impressed with his amazing dexterity!

That little hole in the top of the package was 

no big deal.

Call me crazy,

but I'm head over heels in love with

these kids.

And their Dad.

And now, I'm off to pick up the big kids from school

I won't be the bestest Mommy anymore

because I'll make them do 

HOMEWORK.

But that's okay too,

I'm still gaga over them.

Even when I feel like sending them 

BACK

to school, tonight around, say - 

7 pm.

:)

One of those days...

YOU are Beautiful!!!

If there was one thing that I took away from my "Heart of the Woman" retreat, it was a newly expanded, life changing understanding of WHO Eve is, and how we, as her daughters are BEAUTIFUL. 

Watch and Listen. Forget the world. Ignore the voice of the adversary that is telling you today that you aren't good enough, fast enough, productive enough, pretty enough, thin enough, tough enough or tender enough. You are EVERYTHING. So, as the scripture says,

Matt 11:28-30

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, 

and I will give you rest.

  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; 

for I am meek and lowly in heart: 

and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Life is hard, and we make it harder for ourselves and for our families when we try to DO IT BY OURSELVES. But when we take even 5 minuets to sit and pray and read HIS words in the scripture, we are more likely to believe the message that is in this song-and our eyes turn in the direction of our Savior. He becomes our light for the day and will show us what our priorities need to be. Laundry? Maybe. Holding a child? Probably. Calling about that med. bill? Returning the Library books? Calling that friend whose name keeps coming to mind? Who knows.

HE does. So join me in giving the day to our Savior.

It is then that we become a tool in His Hand

and OUR burden becomes light.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, TALK

Okay

Let's be honest for a moment here.

I've noticed a lot of

Silence

since my last post.

Quiet.

Shhhhhhh.

It's happened before,

like when I've talked about

Post Partum Depression,

or

sad days

or struggles.

Quiet

Awkward silence.

Not the kind of quiet that I'm looking for.

I understand.

You Don't know what to say

You think:

"I can't believe she said THAT.......

that subject is taboo.

Too painful to hear about

or to talk about.

WHAT do I SAY??"

My answer is this,

If it draws your eyes towards Heaven

And makes you remember WHO you are

If it gives HOPE to another

Or TESTIFIES of HE who has gotten you this far.

Open your heart to the SAVIOR

And open you mouth to lift another...

ANYTHING
or
NOTHING
You could always pray, or sing.

When I went to my "Heart of a Woman" retreat that was based on 

Stasi Eldredge's Book - 'Captivating'

There was a lot of talking

34+ women,

No kids or cell-phones

TALK about TALKING!

But we had rules

Because we were there to find Christ and there to heal. 

This is what I had written in my notes:

When visiting - stay in the message of HOPE. 

Take the anger and complaints to GOD and allow HIM to teach and instruct you. 

Stay in the Present Moment.

Not the guilt of the PAST

Or the uncertainty of the FUTURE.

Hope.

Our Children NEED us to talk

And talk and talk and talk

And talk.

Of Hope.

A song to talk about:

 How will they know, the ones for whom we care,

That God is love and with us ev’rywhere,

That life is good, with blessings all can share?

How will they know unless we teach them so?

How will they learn that, though they go astray,

God will forgive and help them find the way?

How will they feel the Spirit day by day?

How will they know unless we teach them so?

How will they grow in wisdom and delight?

How will they choose to follow what is right?

How can they trust the future will be bright?

How will they know unless we show them?

How will they live when they at last are grown?

What will they give to children of their own?

Will they reflect the values we have shown?

How will they know, as on through life they go?

How will they know unless we strive to teach them so?

Words: Natalie W. Sleeth, 1930–1992

"Captivating"

Don't you hate it when you start a blog entry and then it's weeks or months before you get back to it? Talk about annoying - and telling. Like it's the story of my life. Start, stop. Start, stop. But hey! At least when I change the babies diaper, I actually FINISH that one! 

The past 6 months have flown by for better or worse. They were, quite truly, the loneliest months of my life. Alone. Or so I thought. 

It's the adversary's plan to make us feel alone, because when we feel alone,

 those other dark feelings - hopeless, despondent, etc. - can take root in our hearts and crowd out the roots of faith that were planted there a long time ago. 

And for me, it was a feeling unlike anything I've ever experienced.  I didn't have an easy childhood. I had a privileged childhood, but there were dark things going on in my life, things that were out of my control, painful - no - intensely painful things that my sweet parents didn't see. That part of my life is behind me, but it's necessary to mention because what I have to say next means so much more if one knows that I spent most of my childhood scared and hurting, yet never alone.

I've said it dozens of times - I've felt like I've spent my entire life safe in my Heavenly Fathers' hand. No matter what was going on around me, I knew that HE was there. I ALWAYS knew. I felt Him. I knew that He knew me - intimately. Even when the world around me was falling apart, I felt Him there. And when I was in my post-HS dating years, a.k.a. 'searching for a husband' mode, I felt as though I were resting in his huge, all-knowing, unconditional loving hand, guiding me from and through each dating situation. Always telling me, always guiding me gently away until the day that my, now husband, and I became friends. 

Dating Kurt was so different than dating any of the other (amazing) guys that I had dated. It was so effortless, so right. It was so obvious that my Heavenly Father was quietly showing me that this guy, the guy that rode his mountain bike 20 miles + for fun, was the person with whom I could trust my heart. And so I did. That was 10 years ago. And they have been GOOD years. They've been years that have been filled with trials I never would have imagined, but we've survived. Yep! We've survived, but only just.

Life is hard, that's just the way it is - and eventually we will all be faced with a battle that will either cripple us or refine us. For some of us it may be a life long event, for others it may be a tragedy that strikes with out warning, but it will come. And when it does, well, may Heaven help us.

My crippling blow came this past April after a full year of chronic, debilitating pain from endometriosis. It came after one unsuccessful surgery in December, and another drudgery - a full, complete, yank-it-all-out  hysterectomy. It came aprox. 4-5 weeks into my recovery. As if that weren’t enough to pull me down - it did beat me WAY down, and then the crippling blow came. It came by way of a young family member choosing to hurt my youngest daughter in the very way that I had sworn to myself would never happen. What followed was 3 months of an intense spiritual and emotional attack on our family. My daughter, who was 3 1/2 at the time saw a counselor and was given strong physical and vocal support from my husband, children and myself. The very fact that she told, not only me, but my oldest daughter and son as well, what had happened is a testimony to the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father. She is doing well and will continue to do so. I, on the other hand, was sustained throughout her healing but by the time we were through with everything, the emotional stress had put me over the top. A person can only take so much pain, and I had reached my limit. My heart locked. Closed to everyone, and for the first time in my life, I felt truly alone.

When situations came up with extended family, situations that would require ANY amount of "heart-effort" I couldn't do it. I turned the other way and in some instances RAN the other way. In the past, I've always been able to muster some semblance of a reply, even when my heart was throbbing with the kind of pain that reminds a person that our hearts are an actual, living organ -not just a metaphor for the receptacle of our feelings. I avoided everyone. Parents, siblings, parents-in-law, siblings-in-law, neighbors, strangers, and - yes - even God.  The spot in my chest that used to be the receptacle of all of my feelings, was now just a muscle that kept the blood moving throughout my body. I thought about 'Bella' in Twilight,  during her transformation. (I know, I know - lame to anyone who hasn't read the books, but whatever :) She was in total agony and yet no one around her knew it. Now, I'm pretty sure that my family knew I wasn't dead too, but they probably just thought I was psychotic or cranky or both...

Either way, I was dead.  I needed a miracle. A longing for one throbbed all within the one shred of dead hope that lay in the deepest chamber of my cold, empty heart.

Who am I NOW? Growing up I was a Child of God, He adored me, He LOVED me. Then I became a Daughter of God - oh the potential! The gifts that he had in store for me! Marriage, love, motherhood. I knew what my goals were, I knew that he had a plan for me and in the beginning I trusted 110% in that plan. - but then 10 years and 4 babies later I came to a dead end. No more babies for me?! oh! but they are growing up, they are preparing (as they need to) to leave me, then what?

Who am I now? I’m not a child anymore, and with every passing birthday I have become less and less of a young woman. So I am a woman. But what does that MEAN?

When I thought about this question my answers came in the form of ‘to-do-lists’, places to go, callings to fulfill, people to take care of. My answers were my never-ending list of obligations and responsibilities. Is THAT really all there is to being a woman?

There are tons of examples of women out there. But I didn’t know where to turn, I didn’t even have the energy of heart to look anymore - because looking had so often resulted in pain....

“So--is a true woman Cinderella or Joan of Arc? Mary Magdalene or Oprah? How do we recover essential femininity without falling into the stereotypes, or worse, ushering in more pressure and shame upon our readers.? That is the last thing a woman needs. And yet, there is an essence that God has given to every woman. What is at the core of a woman’s heart? What are her desires? What did we long for as little girls? What do we still long for as women? And how, does a woman begin to be healed from the wounds and tragedies of her life?

Sometime between the dreams of your youth and yesterday, something precious has been lost. And that treasure is your heart, your priceless feminine heart. God has set within you a femininity that is powerful and tender, fierce and alluring. No doubt it has been misunderstood. Surely it has been assaulted. But it is there, your true heart, and it is worth recovering. You are captivating.”

      ‘Captivating’ by John and Stasi Eldredge pg. x

One day one of my dearest friends, and my surrogate Mother/ mentor knocked at the door. She had been mentioning to me that she had a ‘gift’ to give me but had not given me any indication of what that gift was. As she sat next to me on our couch, she took my hands in hers and told me, the our Heavenly Father had a gift that He wanted me to have. She told me that part of that gift was to be pampered and taken care of in a beautiful luxury home overlooking Pineview Reservoir for 3 days. No cell phones, no children, no spouses, nothing. She told me that I was to be nourished physically and spiritually. And that’s all she told me. She kept hinting at this book I needed to read, but she was tiptoeing around the subject enough that I didn’t press it. This angel of mine is so in tune to the Voice of the Spirit and I felt sure that if the Lord wanted me to have “the book” before the retreat, then I would. In the end, I didn’t have the book until the last part of the retreat. The Lord knows me so well, he knew that I needed to heal my heart, not read a book.

As this friend started talking, within 10 seconds flat, I felt like my chest was being squeezed, crushed, and filled all at the same time. I felt pain in that place where my heart had been and tears were pouring out of my eyes. That heart was still locked TIGHT. But the Spirit of our Heavenly Father was there, and to me it said “I’m still here sweetheart. You are not alone. I’m still here. Let me take care of you. This is my gift for you. It will be okay.” That stifling feeling in my heart was filled with the overwhelming thought of “What? THREE days, ALL TO MYSELF?” I haven’t had that much time alone since becoming a Mom. Unless you count the time in the hospital as a ‘break’ lol. And then there was the feeling that the pain that was being held behind the door of my heart was trying to burst through, and that thought scared me. I was sure I couldn’t take any more pain. I couldn’t be strong anymore, so I gingerly stepped back into my Fathers hand and held on for dear life.

A Woman’s Journey

Then the time came when the risk it took

To remain tight in a bud was more painful

Than the risk it took to blossom.

~Anais Nin