Keeping My Eye On the Goal

Sometimes I wonder about this whole life thing. In fact, I've wondered a lot about it lately. It's so easy for the mist of darkness to make me forget what it is I am here for. For the past couple of weeks my prayers have centered around efforts to remember who I am - who I really am. The person that I've been even before being born into this world is more than just the outward personae and yet I've really had to dig past all of those aspects of 'me' to find myself.

While teaching my Relief Society lesson last Sunday I ended with my testimony of the need that we each have to constantly nourish our spirits. I shared the realization that I've come to that it doesn't matter how spiritually strong I was at 16, or 20, or 25. Today is today and the light that I need to find my way in this world can only be found today. I've failed to keep my lamp full for a while now and it has turned my life into a sort of dingy in the middle of the ocean. Tossed to and fro with little direction and little control.

This Saturday is my "girls night out" with my daughters. We've been planning on attending a party at Deseret Book to celebrate the release of a new book/parable by Jenny Phillips called 'The Parable of the Golden Pathway'. I bought the book a couple of weeks ago and we read it for family night. It's a beautiful parable and so poignant that I was completely overwhelmed with the spirit during the part of the story that tells of how Sara crosses the river and makes it up the mountain. I couldn't speak, literally - and my daughter, who has always been keenly aware of others' feelings, picked up where I had stopped and read until I could begin again.

It was easy to identify with most of the characters in the story, and I was left to ponder on where I wanted to end up and which of the characters I wanted to be like. My first instinct was a fervent desire to be like Sara. Eden (my oldest) expressed the same sentiment, "I want to be Sara. Mom, can I dress up like Sara for the party?" I can honestly say that Sara is the character that I've most wanted to be like during my life, and the person I've wanted to be. But recently I've felt more like Tabitha - ready to give up and be done with it. Life is hard. Much, MUCH harder than I ever thought it could be. And this parable has helped me to think through my choices with more clarity than I've had in a while. I could give up, but giving up would mean more than just quiting. It would mean breaking the covenants that I've made with God. Giving up would mean choosing to NOT be like the Savior. It would mean choosing to NOT "always remember Him" as I promised when I was baptised. It would mean turning my back to the promises I made when I entered his temple and it would mean believing the worst of myself instead of fighting to hold on to who I have always believed I am and who I have always wanted to become.

The visual gift that a parable brings into a persons life has the potential to be life changing. Jesus Christ, the Savior of Mankind, often taught in parables. The gift that Jenny Phillips' book has given to me is the ability to look through the darkness of the world and strengthen the tunnel-vision that is needed to make it through this life the way I set out to. I'm sure that most passionate people have, at one point or another, felt the burning determination to accomplish some great goal. Be it establishing a world-wide charity, or be it returning home to our Heavenly Father free from sin, it's not something that can happen without a daily, consistent effort. In 'The Parable of the Golden Pathway' hiding your shield behind you or stepping off of the path, even for a moment, resulted in a loss of strength and light. If I can capture the full meaning of the visual gift contained in this book I just might make it through this world with some amount of dignity left - with some remote chance of hearing those much longed for words: "Well done, though good and faithful servant." And if I'm really blessed, and truly the person that I've hoped to be, I may be able to teach my children the same things to make it through on their own.