This post will be short, painful, and to the point. After knowing each other for over 13 years and being married for 12.5, *** has decided to call it quits. His divorce lawyer, paid for by his parents- Gary and Susan Jensen- will file the completed paperwork this morning.
This was not my decision, and it was not my children's decision. It was ****'s decision. And it is an understatement to say that my children and I are devastated. I can't breathe. Every full breath carries the ability to fill my eyes with tears followed quickly by a sharp pain in my heart. I am crushed.
For the record, I am able to say that I fought against this until the end. For even though our marriage was far from perfect, my faith in the Saviors ability to step in.....even in the darkest hour, kept me holding on to that dream of a Christ-Centered Family.
For those of you that knew me during the years surrounding our courtship and marriage, you know how deeply I trusted in my Heavenly Father to show me my "best-for-me-only", and I cannot deny that we each received a clear confirmation of our choice. That said, when it became clear that I had lost the battle and that Satan had succeeded in breaking our family apart, it was natural to remember those days and ask in my tear filled prayers the question 'why'?
However, without much of a delay, I felt the comfort of the Spirit as it said, "Be Still. God knew what trials would be put in front of you and ****. He knew how you would each respond, and he knew that in the end, **** would make this choice.".......in that moment I felt my Heavenly Father pick me up again, into the safety of his arms, and somehow, I was able to cast this heavy, scornful, ugly burden onto The Lord. Including the pain that I felt for my children.
I am confused. This is NOT how my story was supposed to go!!
I am angry. Angry that our families were not more supportive during our trials, angry that I couldn't fix the problem by myself, and angry that he chose the path of least resistance.
I am sad, so very sad for my children.They deserve better than this.
I am wiser too. Will I ever remarry? I doubt it. But if I do? He will pray with me daily, talk to me about anything and everything, laugh with me and encourage my dreams, no matter how foolish to him they may seem. I will pay attention to his family, because, you see, in-laws are often out-laws who are set in their ways with no room for change and no tolerance for other ways of accomplishing something. But MOST of all? He will PRAY with me. His testimony will be a part of his everyday language, for 2 Nephi 32 is real.
Oh, and did I mention that he will pray with me? Okay. Just checking.
After you pick up your jaw and close your mouth from the shock....here is the answer to your question. No. I am not okay. I am broken. What do I need? Prayers, lots and lots of prayers. For myself and for my beautiful children. Any non-judgmental support is welcome. The trials of this life will continue, all the way to the very end. These ARE the final days that will lead to the coming of our Advocate to the Father. Our brother, exemplar, and Savior. Oh, how I long for that day!!
Other than that?
"Trust in The Lord with all thine heart, lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct all thy paths."
