The Death of a FAMILY

Dear friends,

This post will be short, painful, and to the point. After knowing each other for over 13 years and being married for 12.5, *** has decided to call it quits. His divorce lawyer, paid for by his parents- Gary and Susan Jensen- will file the completed paperwork this morning.

This was not my decision, and it was not my children's decision. It was ****'s decision. And it is an understatement to say that my children and I are devastated. I can't breathe. Every full breath carries the ability to fill my eyes with tears followed quickly by a sharp pain in my heart. I am crushed.

For the record, I am able to say that I fought against this until the end. For even though our marriage was far from perfect, my faith in the Saviors ability to step in.....even in the darkest hour, kept me holding on to that dream of a Christ-Centered Family.

For those of you that knew me during the years surrounding our courtship and marriage, you know how deeply I trusted in my Heavenly Father to show me my "best-for-me-only", and I cannot deny that we each received a clear confirmation of our choice. That said, when it became clear that I had lost the battle and that Satan had succeeded in breaking our family apart, it was natural to remember those days and ask in my tear filled prayers the question 'why'?

However, without much of a delay, I felt the comfort of the Spirit as it said, "Be Still. God knew what trials would be put in front of you and ****.  He knew how you would each respond, and he knew that in the end, **** would make this choice.".......in that moment I felt my Heavenly Father pick me up again, into the safety of his arms, and somehow, I was able to cast this heavy, scornful, ugly burden onto The Lord. Including the pain that I felt for my children.

I am confused. This is NOT how my story was supposed to go!!

I am angry. Angry that our families were not more supportive during our trials, angry that I couldn't fix the problem by myself, and angry that he chose the path of least resistance.

I am sad, so very sad for my children.They deserve better than this.

I am wiser too. Will I ever remarry? I doubt it. But if I do? He will pray with me daily, talk to me about anything and everything, laugh with me and encourage my dreams, no matter how foolish to him they may seem. I will pay attention to his family, because, you see, in-laws are often out-laws who are set in their ways with no room for change and no tolerance for other ways of accomplishing something. But MOST of all? He will PRAY with me. His testimony will be a part of his everyday language, for 2 Nephi 32 is real.

Oh, and did I mention that he will pray with me? Okay. Just checking.

After you pick up your jaw and close your mouth from the shock....here is the answer to your question. No. I am not okay. I am broken. What do I need? Prayers, lots and lots of prayers. For myself and for my beautiful children. Any non-judgmental support is welcome. The trials of this life will continue, all the way to the very end. These ARE the final days that will lead to the coming of our Advocate to the Father. Our brother, exemplar, and Savior. Oh, how I long for that day!!

Other than that?

 "Trust in The Lord with all thine heart, lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct all thy paths."

       

KSL Classifieds - Now offering answers to your prayers.

Irony? Fate? Luck? Chance? Any of these words could be used to describe an instance when two strangers interact and in the process, God performs a miracle. But I know....I KNOW differently. These meetings are not something that can be found by looking for them. They can only be GIVEN by living WORTHY of them. Given by a Heavenly Father who knows each of us SO WELL, and who LOVES us SO MUCH, that only HE can orchestrate such a seemingly random meeting of two of His Spirit Children. As for the word 'worthy'....well, HE is also the only one who really knows what that means.

So, with that in mind. I created the picture below to honor my Father in Heaven, who has NEVER left me to walk alone on this earth, and also to thank the recent angels who have been worthy and willing to let the Holy Spirit guide them. If we never meet on this earth, I shall look forward to reuniting in Heaven. 

So, Kathie, Danielle, Faith, Bill, Melanie, 

Stacy, Amanda, Brenda (& daughter) 

and countless others who have blessed another...know this. 

This Picture may be printed for personal use only.
www.goodfamilyliving.blogspot.com

With ALL of my love,

Nicole

The SONG of the righteous is a prayer unto ME.

Sunday is the first day of the week according to the calendar. But according to the Bible, Sunday is the Sabbath Day, the Seventh day of the Creation, the day that God set aside to rest. And the day that HE gave us to worship him. Rest from OUR labors, honor him through our service to Him.

Today I woke up at 4 am. I've been having strange, flash-back kind of dreams from real events in my life and they leave me awake and disturbed and unable to get back to sleep. It's been happening a lot lately.

For years, while my children were newborns, I would be up in the middle of the night with them, and I loved it. That was the only time of the day that was free from phone calls, other children's demands, work needing to be done and places to go. It was my blessing time. The time that I could hold my sweet baby and just revel in the spirit that little person had brought into our home.

I believe that EVERY child born into this earth is born carrying the kind of love and spirit from our Father in Heaven that each of us longs to feel on a daily basis. The trouble comes when we try to find the kind of quiet that is required to really feel that Heavenly Hug that will carry us a few more step-stones on the pathway of life.

With all of the distractions in the world it is all too easy to allow our lives to become either too complacent, too complicated, or both.

Our Heavenly Father misses us. He is a jealous God, it says so in the Bible. He doesn't like to be left out of our lives and he will send us little reminders to call home - just like, I imagine, I will when my kids head off for college. One of my reminders has come in the form of insomnia, which is fine and all, but seriously.....I miss having one of those new ones to hold. So if any of my friends reading this need a break from their newborn that happens to fall at, say 3am...call me. I'm serious. Dead serious. I'll be right over and happy as a toddler in the cookie jar.

May the Lord's blessings fall upon your house this week, and may you find the time to feel a little homesick. I promise that if you notice that feeling, he'll send you a hug. I promise.

All time Low

When your 4 year old tells you that she can't do something you're asking because she's "too shaky" - take that as a very bad sign.

Little hands so soft and sweet.
Stop poking them!!

Lily hit her all-time low about 45 minuets ago. 31 is a no-good-very-bad-number for diabetics, or anyone for that matter. The ironic thing is that this past week we went to her appointment and were instructed on how and when to give her a 'mini-glucogen' shot. Glucogen is what your liver dumps into your blood-stream when your in danger of, well, dying for lack of energy.

Princess's DON'T need SHOTS!

She's been resisting her shots more the past couple of weeks. It's horrible! As a Mom, All I want to do is protect my babies and give them what they need to be healthy and happy. Quite frankly, when a parent uses the term, "it's for your own good", or "this is harder for me than it is for you", most people chuckle and think about how many time their parents said that and, "gasp!!!, I can't believe I just said what I SWORE I would never say to my kids!!" So as I get her shots ready I FEEL myself saying what I used to just hear my parents say. And my words come out more like "Please honey! I'm sorry!! I KNOW it hurts, but we just have to be brave."

Don't be fooled by the age of our children.
They are young, but they are WISE.
AND, they learn (remember) quickly.

Sometimes when she asks the question, "Mommy, WHY haven't they found a cure yet?!?" I am able and prompted to seize the moment and to teach her the gospel principles behind our mortality. I tell her about the cure that will come when she's resurrected, and given a perfectly perfect body, that NEVER gets sick. But mostly, I just tell her that I don't know why because Mommy can't see eternity. Then I tell her that I love our Heavenly Father SOOO much, and that HE loves her even more than that, and that this trial is her test to show her Heavenly Father how brave she can be.

I've been so blessed, countless times, to feel the words given to me to be able to explain to my children at the youngest of ages, the most beautiful and profound principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. To tell a four year old that Type 1 diabetes is part of her test in this life may trip us up as adults. We stop ourselves and think that this child is too young to understand such abstract principles. but that is where the mistake is made. Because the principles are not abstract at all, in fact, they are quite the opposite, they are what lies at the very center of our existence. 'God's plan of Happiness', or 'The Plan of Salvation' is the glue that formed our beings into something strong enough to place faith in an older brother (Jesus Christ) and then to take that leap of faith into the darkness of this world. Because we KNEW that we could get home again.

"Jesus KNOWS that those shots hurt honey.
He will help you be brave."

So, when a teaching moment comes - and they will come as often as we are ready for them - we can explain, "with the tongue of angels" that the reason this little girl is getting shots many times a day is because she wanted the chance to show her Heavenly Father how brave she could be, and also how much faith she could have. Knowing most four year olds, that teaching moment will most likely last as long as the questions flow. In my case, it came when Lily asked what faith meant. "You can have faith honey when you choose to believe that Jesus KNOWS what it feels like to have lots of shots. And when you choose to close your eyes and take his hand and let him help you be brave. Because he can, and he will!"

Pray Always

Don't be fooled by the fact that the end of this conversation was the last sentence above. "Careful the things you say.....children will listen..." are the words in a much loved broadway musical. They listen when the spirit of God is present.......why else would it be so hard to be patient as a parent? We all know what happens when Mom or Dad, or Grandma, Grandpa, etc. loose their patience - the teaching Spirit flies away and little devils come to play. Ooooooo! I surely, DOn't like those mean little guys. Do you?

When have you had the chance to teach a VeRy young child a gospel principle that one might initially think is over their heads? Please share!

Forgiveness.....

Last night was family night.

Sometimes it's great

Sometimes it's a battle - like it was last night.

We ended up writing letters

to

Santa.

Because Santa wants to have Christmas ready early this year.

:)

Everyone went right to work

Except for my oldest,

Eden.

Who got tears in her eyes

and wouldn't write anything down

but asked if she could 

"talk to me alone for a minute"

I motioned for her to come whisper it in my ear

She shook her head no, and told me it wasn't that kind of

talking.

Uh-oh.

I looked at Hottie Husband

with terror in my eyes.

And 20 minuets later when the rest of us were finished

and I was headed

upstairs

to talk.

I pulled him aside and told him

that I was worried!!!

Worried that

SHE

KNEW.

NO!!!!

NO!!!!!

This was the third time that the subject Santa Clause

had come up and

it was the third time that Eden had left the room

in TEARS.

And now..............

She was going to ask me

F L A T  -  O U T

"What am I going to tell her??????"

He calmly says,

(with a smile on his face)

"Just tell her the truth!"

MOAN, UGH, NOOOOOOO!!!!

I can handle having the final portion of

"the talk"

in regards to how the sperm gets to the egg.

I can handle buying the first bra.

I'm handling the estrogen-fed hormonal reactions pretty well.

BUT

I am NOT ready to admit how those stockings get filled on

Christmas Eve.

We sat on my bed

like we had many, many, MaNY times before

and I braced myself.

"Mom,"

she started....with tears following close behind

"Mom, I....I....I don't think I can ask Santa for anything this year because I've been doing a LOT of things that I should do, and I mean a LOT. And I haven't told you any of them - so I've been naughty and I deserve a lump of coal.....sob!!!"

Silence.

JOY!!!!!!!

Relief!

JOY!

Ahem......Nico-le.....come back to earth please.....

Oh,

right.

!!!

So I took my firstborn angel into my arms

and let her tell me all about it.

And she was right.

It WAS bad.

Horrible, actually.

She had an actual hiding place for her candy

so she could eat it in the basement.

Food is not allowed out of the kitchen in our home.

:)

30 minuets later we said goodnight

and she headed off to the room that she shared with her sister

to apologize

for not being nicer.

And to put into practice her first big lesson

about

repentance,

and forgiveness,

and about that yucky feeling that comes

from the spirit

when we've made a bad choice,

or 2 or 3.

That "Yucky Feeling"

It was a beautiful teaching moment.

My prayers that night were filled with gratitude.

Grateful that THAT day, 

I had been in tune enough with the Spirit

to be able to teach

instead of rolling my eyes.

Grateful that She had been sent to our family

first. to bless me. to bless her siblings.

And grateful that She

Believes.

In HIM

And yes -

In Santa too - who celebrates HIS birth by giving.

Greg Olsen art.

Forgiveness.

It's not always easy

or clear cut.

The scriptures teach us a lot about forgiveness

But through most of our life, we learn about forgiveness

throughout each day.

As we extend forgiveness freely

to those who may never ask for it, 

and to those, whose tender innocence really never needed it.

We learn about forgiveness

as others allow Christ's mercy to flow through their hearts

and into ours.

And we learn

so painfully

that being left alone to suffer

because of someones refusal to forgive

is akin to

being left alone in a room full of

mirrors.

Each one distorted into some

unrecognizable shape.

So we close our eyes

and look inward

to our heart.

And we keep our eyes closed.

closed to those who may hate us

or judge us

or simply misunderstand us

And our HEART

becomes our EYES

that set our sight inwards and upwards

towards

Our Savior.

Because 

HE FORGIVES.

******

"Forgiveness has nothing to do with them. It has to do with who we are and who we may become."

Richard Paul Evans in 'The Timepiece'

*******

We must forgive those who hurt us. The reason is simple: Bitterness and unforgiveness are claws that set their hooks deep in our hearts; they are chains that keep us held captive to the wounds and the messages of those wounds. Until you forgive, you remain their prisoner. Paul warns us that unforgiveness and bitterness can wreck our lives and the lives of others (Eph. 4:31; Heb. 12:15). We have to let them go.

Forgive as Christ has forgiven you. (Col 3:13)

Now - listen carefully. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling - don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will. "Don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving," wrote Neil Anderson. "You will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made . . ." We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past, for "if your forgiveness doesn't visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete." We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to our father, our mother, those who hurt us. This is not saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is not saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God."

It might help to remember that those who hurt you were also deeply wounded themselves. They were broken hearts, broken when they were young, and they fell captive to the Enemy. They were in fact pawns in his hands. This doesn't absolve them of the choices they made, the things they did. It just helps us to let them go - to realize that they were shattered souls themselves, used by our true Enemy in his war against femininity. 

Stasi and John Eldredge in  'Captivating'

************

Teaching Our Children

If there was one quality of mine that has served as both a blessing and a curse, it is my amazing ability to speak my mind. Clearly. Straightforward. When I speak with kindness, I've been able to lift and bless, love and nurture those in my life. When my tounge has been faster than my mind and heart and reason, well - let's just say that the term "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is SO not true. As I've grown older, and especially since marrying my sweetheart 10 years ago, I've tried to reign in the curse part of my quick wit and mouth and just, well, shut it when needs be.
With my children, I've been particularly sensitive to not just my WORDS but also the TONE and volume of my voice. One of our favorite sayings around our house is: "It's not what you say, but how you say it."

Sometimes we need to give ourselves a few minutes, or a few days, before responding to a situation to make sure that when we answer, we are giving the answer that we really mean and want to give. I'm so grateful for the Spirit that can let me know when to SAY it and when to let it go.

Today is Sunday and I'm home from church with our oldest daughter, who is recovering from her toncscilectomy. Everyone else is gone. It's snowing outside. And I'm DYING to do some work around the house. Just the usual stuff, re-arrange the furniture, a little paint here, a little wall-paper there, etc. etc. etc. After getting the rest of the family off to church the itch to DO intensified and I could feel this nagging irritation creeping into my soul. I was getting cranky! For no apparent reason. But the Spirit quickly reminded me that I hadn't had the time to pray and read from the scriptures yet. So I did. It was amazing - I read, like THREE chapters (yes, chapters, not just verses). That NEVER happens. And THEN, after tending to my daughters needs, I was able to flip through and read TWO talks from conference. WHOA!

I know, I know......you might think that I'm making this up, but  I promise I'm not. There was just so much QUIET around here. I came across my Relief Society Lesson Schedule and saw that my lesson for next month is --------"The Sabbath Day". Whoa? Oh, yeah. And then, as if it weren't obvious enough the last conference talk that I read was this one:

Click HERE to read or listen to "Stay on the Path"

And the top quote of the talk (for me?) :

"The world will teach our children if we do not, and children 

are capable of learning all the world will teach them at a very 

young age. What we want them to know five years from now 

needs to be part of our conversation with them today. Teach 

them in every circumstance; let every dilemma, every 

consequence, every trial that they may face provide an 

opportunity to teach them how to hold on to gospel truths."

This would be one of the blessing parts of my talk, talk, talk, talking. My children know a lot. NO, I'm not bragging - I promise. But part of my testimony as a Mother is that the above quote is 100% true. In 5 years, my oldest daughter will be turning 14. (ahhhhh!) My oldest son will be turning 12. So, we can teach our children every single part of the plan of salvation from the earliest age. Not only by talking to them, but by our examples. And when we make mistakes, which I happen to do every day, the best thing that I can do is to TALK via. acknowledging that I messed up and that I was wrong.

It's difficult to internalize the fact that if we are constantly talking to our children through our days - good and bad. If we share with them our inner struggles, our plan of attack to come out on Christ's side, and then tell them when we come through. They will learn. They will learn that "Parenting With LOVE and Logic" is how our Heavenly Father parents us also.

So, back to my "dilemma" in the first paragraph. No painting today. Please excuse me while I go play with legos. :)

Hypocrite, shmypocrite.....

Seriously?

SERIOUSLY?

I LOVE how our entire perspective of 

LIFE

and

LOVE

and 

LIARS

can change from one day to the next.

What a joke.

What a FREAKING joke.

Good Family Living

What is it?

Well,

for us

it was living for 9 years

thinking one side of the family

was "functional"

and the other side,

"disfunctional"

Then,

KA-POW!!!!!

Let's just switch things up a bit,

try that one on for size.

R    I     G    H   T.

Judge here

Don't judge here

Forgive here

Don't forgive here

Love here

but

Don't love here

Learn from THIS situation

but not this one.

Be patient tonight,

but not tomorrow night.

Like I said.

One

Really

BIG

Joke.

Just don't forget

whilst living this humongous

JOKE

that

Laughter is the best medicine.

Ha

Ha

Ha

PS. My firstborn princess is having her tonsils out tomorrow. She's really excited about all of the ice-cream and popsicles she gets to eat. And I feel like I'm going to cry and throw-up at the same time.

*Pray that she'll be brave and not have any complications.

*Pray that her complicated Mother will be brave too.

Please.

Thanks.

Happy Monday....TGIM!

Call me crazy,

but

I LOVE Mondays.

Something about getting back to the

routine.

School Days especially bring

structure and

consistency

That my kids crave as much as I do.

This morning the oldest 2 kids were late

because (I think) they thought

I was joking when I said to get dressed.

But then,

my two babies

(2 1/2 and 4 1/2 lol)

and I went to run some errands.

They were blissful

because they always want to 

GO

in the morning.....

"NO! go home Mommy!"

So,

we hit the Dr's office

to pick up a prescription

then we watched

Krispy Kreme MAKE their doughnuts

(we've never actually seen the 'HOT' sign on)

And my princess was singing the whole time

and telling me that I'm the bestest Mommy

in the EVER world :)

I vacillated between

'Kid to Kid',

'D.I.'

or 'Savers' to look for size 7slim

jeans for my oldest boy.

We went to 'Savers'

It was my first, and last time in their store.

Ugh.

But the good news was that they sold

Silly Bands for only $2.00

The man in front of us had $300.00 worth of STUFF

in his cart. 

We waited for 20 minutes for our turn

and my baby boy spent the whole time

moving the silly bands from

one display hanger to the other.

I was quite impressed with his amazing dexterity!

That little hole in the top of the package was 

no big deal.

Call me crazy,

but I'm head over heels in love with

these kids.

And their Dad.

And now, I'm off to pick up the big kids from school

I won't be the bestest Mommy anymore

because I'll make them do 

HOMEWORK.

But that's okay too,

I'm still gaga over them.

Even when I feel like sending them 

BACK

to school, tonight around, say - 

7 pm.

:)

YOU are Beautiful!!!

If there was one thing that I took away from my "Heart of the Woman" retreat, it was a newly expanded, life changing understanding of WHO Eve is, and how we, as her daughters are BEAUTIFUL. 

Watch and Listen. Forget the world. Ignore the voice of the adversary that is telling you today that you aren't good enough, fast enough, productive enough, pretty enough, thin enough, tough enough or tender enough. You are EVERYTHING. So, as the scripture says,

Matt 11:28-30

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, 

and I will give you rest.

  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; 

for I am meek and lowly in heart: 

and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Life is hard, and we make it harder for ourselves and for our families when we try to DO IT BY OURSELVES. But when we take even 5 minuets to sit and pray and read HIS words in the scripture, we are more likely to believe the message that is in this song-and our eyes turn in the direction of our Savior. He becomes our light for the day and will show us what our priorities need to be. Laundry? Maybe. Holding a child? Probably. Calling about that med. bill? Returning the Library books? Calling that friend whose name keeps coming to mind? Who knows.

HE does. So join me in giving the day to our Savior.

It is then that we become a tool in His Hand

and OUR burden becomes light.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, TALK

Okay

Let's be honest for a moment here.

I've noticed a lot of

Silence

since my last post.

Quiet.

Shhhhhhh.

It's happened before,

like when I've talked about

Post Partum Depression,

or

sad days

or struggles.

Quiet

Awkward silence.

Not the kind of quiet that I'm looking for.

I understand.

You Don't know what to say

You think:

"I can't believe she said THAT.......

that subject is taboo.

Too painful to hear about

or to talk about.

WHAT do I SAY??"

My answer is this,

If it draws your eyes towards Heaven

And makes you remember WHO you are

If it gives HOPE to another

Or TESTIFIES of HE who has gotten you this far.

Open your heart to the SAVIOR

And open you mouth to lift another...

ANYTHING
or
NOTHING
You could always pray, or sing.

When I went to my "Heart of a Woman" retreat that was based on 

Stasi Eldredge's Book - 'Captivating'

There was a lot of talking

34+ women,

No kids or cell-phones

TALK about TALKING!

But we had rules

Because we were there to find Christ and there to heal. 

This is what I had written in my notes:

When visiting - stay in the message of HOPE. 

Take the anger and complaints to GOD and allow HIM to teach and instruct you. 

Stay in the Present Moment.

Not the guilt of the PAST

Or the uncertainty of the FUTURE.

Hope.

Our Children NEED us to talk

And talk and talk and talk

And talk.

Of Hope.

A song to talk about:

 How will they know, the ones for whom we care,

That God is love and with us ev’rywhere,

That life is good, with blessings all can share?

How will they know unless we teach them so?

How will they learn that, though they go astray,

God will forgive and help them find the way?

How will they feel the Spirit day by day?

How will they know unless we teach them so?

How will they grow in wisdom and delight?

How will they choose to follow what is right?

How can they trust the future will be bright?

How will they know unless we show them?

How will they live when they at last are grown?

What will they give to children of their own?

Will they reflect the values we have shown?

How will they know, as on through life they go?

How will they know unless we strive to teach them so?

Words: Natalie W. Sleeth, 1930–1992

The Caboose

"Life is what happens when you make plans." You've heard that one before, right? Me too. But I'm only just now learning about that crazy little think we call LIFE.

Life is not a cake-walk, or a slice of pie, a piece of cake or a joy-ride. Haha!

We are all SO good at allowing our lives to play out along the scripted page. And by scripted - I mean, literally, the spoken word. You know, say the right thing, keep the eternal perspective - or maybe just give out one of those seminary answers - "Pray, read the scriptures, go to church or follow the prophet."

My question, the one I will be answering in my next few posts is this:

If we are here on this earth to "prove ourselves" to God, if we are living this life and making choices that - we believe - will help us return to our heavenly home, and if we are supposed to have JOY during the process. How, in the name of reality, is that even possible? Especially if we are following the scripted page.

Is it possible? Is it really, really possible to find joy in our journey AND stay in the drama club that consists of our friends and families. (Oh! THAT Drama! LOL )

I believe that it IS possible. To an extent. And so this is the thought that I'll leave for any random readers (or future grandchildren :) to ponder, until the next time I'm alert enough to put my thoughts down in type AND the kids are ALL asleep .

".....letting your PAST run your LIFE is like letting a CABOOSE run a train."

PS. If you haven't already joined the GOOD fight to support a local SLC cookie shop, click the link below and use a few of those 'precious' internet moments for a bit of good :)

Save "My Dough Girl" from the Dough boy BULLY!!

April Fool's Life?!

So, April Fools Day came and went this week without so much as a nod from me. I spent the day in bed, recovering from the previous 3 days, during which I played 'Mommy at Full Speed'. (you know, no farming out the kids to various locations, meals delivered, etc.) It killed me. But it was so fun. I LOVE being a Mom. And I LOVE being married to this man of mine. I'm pretty sure that he has a tumor living in the part of his brain that controls his craziness, because as far as I can see, he is crazy for being crazy in love with me. Why on earth has this guy stuck around for so long? What is WRONG with him? How can he still look at me with those lovey-dovey eyes and kiss me and tell me that he's crazy in love with me? CrAzY is the word I'd use.

We've been married for 9 1/2 years now. Three weeks after our wedding I went in for knee surgery, followed by several weeks of physical therapy. A Few months later I was preggo with baby #1 and SICK, sick, sick, all day and night for 5 months. Then came 8 years of pregnancies in all their barfy glory, post-partum depression, therapy dealing with emotional issues from my childhood, miscariages, endometriosis, family drama (thanks Rucker!), surgery in December to diagnose and "fix" the endometriosis (didn't work), and then a full, abdominal hysterectomy three weeks ago.

I've thought a lot over the years about what force of nature decided to dump on me right after we got married. It seems almost cruel. Like April Fools LIFE Kurt! Haha....I got you!!!! LOL!   N - O - T.

I've learned to be a lot tougher than I was in the beginning. I've learned to work through a whole day with a smile on my face even though I was crying inside. I've learned that one of the main reasons we are on this earth is to TEACH our spirits to be stronger than our bodies. As spirits, we've always existed - we came to this Earth to be given a body, and to learn to master it.

In the past, I've heard a quote that goes something like this;

We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience

rather,

We are spiritual beings having a physical experience.

Keeping this doctrine in mind brings purpose and strength to each day. It doesn't explain to me why my husband keeps sticking around, but it does remind me that this life is a TEST. It's our time to PROVE to God that we want to be with Him, more than we want anything else. All of the time that I've spent laying in bed, away from the people that I love most, has helped me focus a bit. I've watched the news, seen the disasters all over the world, seen the wickedness that is being labeled as 'human rights'. I've also seen so much good - people turning to Christ and fullfilling prophecy (even if they didn't know it.:)

I've gained this intense sense of URGENCY! Urgency to prepare for natural and spiritual disasters alike. Urgency to push aside the things that don't matter and hyper-focus on the things that do, like preparing my children for natural and spiritual disasters.

And now, this post has become l o n g. And I've probably lost some of you. So I'm going to wrap it up with something I read in a book given to me by a dear friend. The book, "All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience" by Neal A. Maxwell.

There is an attitudinal and behavioral bridge that we need to build in order for us

to draw closer to Him (Jesus Christ),

and thus be ready to return Home

 - cum laude or summa cum laude -

to recieve of His loving fullness.

We must want to do this more than we want to do anything else.

 Otherwise, even if we avoid wickedness,

our journey will end in the suburbs,

 somewhere short of the City of God.

Um, yeah. I understand the suburbs.

This is a test....this is only a test.....life that is :)