What Forgiveness Does NOT Require

One of the subjects contained in this blog,  perhaps only known to the long time readers of it, is that of childhood abuse. I have been open in the past and will continue to be open in the future when discussing the heart-wrenching subject of childhood abuse (all kinds, Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Mental and Social).

Sometimes we must watch through
the rain  before we see the
RAINBOW

The dragon from my own childhood is a monster that can switch from the nice, lame dragon in 'How to Train Your Dragon' to the Biggest, meanest dragon that hides in the mountain.....at any moment. For those who were abused as children, it is a familiar story - and one that will ALWAYS, always end on a happy note, if we seek healing, strength and guidance from our Savior, Jesus Christ.

The past several weeks have been trying, to say the least. Lily's Diagnosis was devastating, and just a couple of weeks after her Dx, the Dragon from my childhood returned with a vengeance. This time, it returned as one of the night-dragon's, because, you see - I refused to acknowledge His presence. He carried the same fear of presence as "He Who Shall Not Be Named" from 'Harry Potter'.... If I didn't say his name....If I didn't even THINK his name, then I would be safe, the problem wouldn't be there, the pain wouldn't surface and I would be FINE to take care of Lily. OF COURSE! Of course this is all that I wanted, it's all that I want now. To take care of my darling (now) 5 year-old.

But my body has been doing some strange, new things. Very New. I started having physical symptoms of severe anxiety. Shaking. Flashbacks and nightmares to traumatic events in my childhood. Horrible Insomnia. Headaches, muscle spasms.

 And why.

 Why was my body reacting so strangely to what my mind thought of as nothing? 

Why am I even writing about this right now?

Because.

 Because I am a Children's Advocate. 

Because I am not JUST a survivor of an abusive childhood, but an adult who is determined to CONQUER the ferocious dragon of my past.

A few visits with an inspired therapist and gifted Psychiatrist, several prayers and whispers of the Spirit later and I am beginning to understand what millions of people, just like me, have - and are - experiencing when they SUPPRESS the natural feelings that stem from traumatic events, fears and triggers to the past. It has the ability to wreak havoc on my entire being, not to mention the good things in my life. From my marriage to my mothering - these triggers and events are TRYING to cripple me.

A few Moments ago I was searching through past emails to make sure I had calendared all of my husbands meetings and conferences and extra work days for the summer when I found a letter that I had written to the family of my youth, just about a  year ago. I share the closing portion, somewhat edited, to serve as a reminder of hope to myself, and to anyone else that may be needing to feel the same encouragement that our Heavenly Father will send our way - the moment we need it, in the instant that we are open to accept it.

Precious Children, we are NEVER left alone
to walk through life's most
trying places.

****************

I want to give the children in our family the tools and knowledge to win the war of good vs. evil. The first time I met with [my therapist]  he said to me - "stop trying to make sense of the pain in your past. It doesn't make sense. It never will."

I forgave ******  a long time ago. The life that I lived is something I will never forget, but I've left it behind and I am choosing to not let it control today. "...letting your past run your life is like letting a caboose run a train." 

I'm sure I made mistakes back then, just as I do now. But I repented of those sins and when I received my endowment at age 21 I knew that I had been forgiven of my wrongdoings. So every Sunday when I take the sacrament, I try and renew the hope that I can do better during the following week.

I just want to close this letter with two quotes that pretty much sum up what this Mama Bear has learned to the point of testimony,

"Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil.

 It does not require us to ignore the wrong that we see...

But as we fight against sin, we must not allow hatred or 

anger to control out thoughts or actions." ~ Elder David E. Sorensen

"Boys [or girls] flying kites haul in their white winged birds,

but you can't do that when you're flying words.

Thoughts left unexpressed often lie back dead,

but even God can't kill them once they're said."

                ~Unknown, quoted by David O. McKay

I hope someday we will be a family again. Each of us has our own giants to battle and they are only for each of us to fight. I can't fight your inner battles, but I can love you, which I do. This issue is one of the giants of my life

I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me the tools and strength, and when needed, humility, to fight the good fight, the best that I know how.

Love,

Nicole

"Forgiveness has nothing to do with them. It has to do with who we are and who we will become."            ~Richard Paul Evans

***************

May each of us take hold of the challenge that has been given to us from a loving Heavenly Father and allow ourselves to be refined by the refiners fire.

Your loving friend and fellow blogger,

If forgiveness is about who WE will become, where's that potential held?
Is it in the magic of the night's first star or the seedlings dance on the wind?
With lowered head turned towards the SUN we find the answer o'erflowing.
The chosen one, our Savior, His name is Jesus Christ.
He's shown the way, we have only to look - and study and pray and try.
For that is where our potential is found, within, without, and above.
                                                     Copyright 2011     ~Nicole L. Jensen

The Caboose

"Life is what happens when you make plans." You've heard that one before, right? Me too. But I'm only just now learning about that crazy little think we call LIFE.

Life is not a cake-walk, or a slice of pie, a piece of cake or a joy-ride. Haha!

We are all SO good at allowing our lives to play out along the scripted page. And by scripted - I mean, literally, the spoken word. You know, say the right thing, keep the eternal perspective - or maybe just give out one of those seminary answers - "Pray, read the scriptures, go to church or follow the prophet."

My question, the one I will be answering in my next few posts is this:

If we are here on this earth to "prove ourselves" to God, if we are living this life and making choices that - we believe - will help us return to our heavenly home, and if we are supposed to have JOY during the process. How, in the name of reality, is that even possible? Especially if we are following the scripted page.

Is it possible? Is it really, really possible to find joy in our journey AND stay in the drama club that consists of our friends and families. (Oh! THAT Drama! LOL )

I believe that it IS possible. To an extent. And so this is the thought that I'll leave for any random readers (or future grandchildren :) to ponder, until the next time I'm alert enough to put my thoughts down in type AND the kids are ALL asleep .

".....letting your PAST run your LIFE is like letting a CABOOSE run a train."

PS. If you haven't already joined the GOOD fight to support a local SLC cookie shop, click the link below and use a few of those 'precious' internet moments for a bit of good :)

Save "My Dough Girl" from the Dough boy BULLY!!

Lies of The Adversary

We all know how damaging Satan's lies are to our society....or do we? The first time I saw this commercial from Dove I was blown away!  When I take the time to sit down and think about the media's influence on my life, of course I know that it's filled with a false portrayal of beauty, or rather I think of the unrealistic standard of beauty. However, on a normal day on the road or in the doctors' office those aren't the thoughts that automatically cross my mind. Satan is so LOUD and CONVINCING that when I see the billboards and magazines my initial thought is more along the lines of, "How did they get that skinny" or "I LOVE her hair!" and of course those thoughts naturally turn to self-depreciating, coveteous thoughts. It's AWFUL!!
Enter Dove Evolution of Beauty Commercial and a loud wake-up call. When you watch it you will understand, so I really don't need to go into the details here.
Here is the big thinker question though: If satan is so good at making us, and especially our daughters paint an unrealistic, worldly picture of what beauty is in our mind; and if a commercial source like Dove is willing to put MILLIONS of dollars into a real-beauty campaign, don't we, as Mothers have an obligation to help it succeed? I really think that sometimes the hand of the Lord is made manifest in unexpected ways. More than just a sunday-school lesson on divine nature or on accepting everyone, regardless, this Dove Campaign is a real-life, straight from the world, tool.
As I sat in front of the computer with my kids a couple of hours ago and observed their reactions to the commercial, I noticed a few different things. For my youngest watcher, silence. From my 5 1/2 year old boy, Whoa! That's crazy!! From my 7 1/2 year old daughter, surprise, a request to watch it again, and then a hug. That's it. Not a lot was said until I told E. (daughter) that I was totally amazed when I first saw it. Then I said something like "it sure makes me feel better!". Then she climbed on my lap to give me a hug and said "oh, Mom, you are beautiful." Smile.

Dove - Evolution Commercial (higher quality)

Reginald Pike's Yael Staav takes us from model to billboard in under 60 seconds in this impressive new spot from Dove.

In the end, it comes down to our responsibility as parents to teach our children that our bodies are sacred, that each person is different and that that's okay. We need to teach our children, by our words and actions that we love and appreciate our bodies. No matter what. What ARE YOU teaching your children about body image and appreciation for their bodies? What are your own beliefs concerning your body? Are they in line with the Savior's teachings or are they in line with Satan's lies.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I believe that a person is better/worse of a person if they are fat, or have acne, or too old, etc.?

2. Will everyone be thin in heaven?

3. Do my children hear me complain about my weight, or skin or hair? Do they hear me make comments about other people's weight, or skin, or hair? Or is the subject of weight a closed topic?

4. Am I willing to allow the world to teach my children what is/isn't acceptable when it comes to body type? Do I acknowledge that teaching my children to despise certain body types may be considered one of the "sins be upon the heads of their parents"? Am I willing to accept that responsibilty along with the outcome of my chilren's perception?

5. How can I do better? Now. Today.

True stories:

One day this past spring, I was invited to a play-group with several Mom's from our neighborhood. During the 'adult' conversation that took place while the kids were playing, one of the Mom's told a story that had happened recently. She spoke about one of her little boys snuggling up to her and sighing happily as he said "oh Mom! I don't think you'll ever get fat!". First of all, no one said anything but most of the other Mom's laughed a polite, uncomfortable laugh. I really don't know if their embarrasment was for HER or for ME.

Though I would have liked to put them at ease on my end by assuring them that I was sooo NOT offended, I didn't say anything either. Why wasn't I offended? Obviously the heaviest person in the group, maybe I should have been, or maybe not. This was a subject that I was all too familiar with, having been 'too big' since the age of eight, it was also a subject that I had been given an eternal perspective of and tesitimony to go with it. At this point in my life it's NOT about looks, or peer-pressure (nice to see that some of us haven't changed since Jr. High ;) it's about overcoming a weakness of the flesh, of being grateful for the body that is a gift to me, that has given me four beautiful children.  It's about my health, and raising my children to not be prejudice against anyone, black, white, tall, short, skinny, FAT; because really people, will I be kept from Heaven if I haven't reached a size 8?

In my opinion, the embarrasment was on her end. Mostly, I felt pity. Pity for her and for her children, and for other parents like her who are strengthening Satan's attack on our most precious gift, our bodies. I wish now that I had said something, and if I could go back, I would. I would say what I am writing in this blog post, but I can't go back, none of us really can - we have to fight the good fight here, today, with our own children. One of the other Mom's who was present was so sweet. The next time I saw her she complimented me on something, my shirt, I think; and she asked if I had lost weight. I just laughed and said thank you and 'no'. I certainly wasn't go into the medications I've been on the past several years that make losing weight almost impossible, and I wasn't going to go into the lessons that I've learned throughout my lifetime, or how she didn't have to feel bad for me because of another Mom's shallow comments. She was sweet, and concerned, and one of those beautiful Mom's who come to their baby blessings looking like they never had a baby in the first place.

The size we are is influenced by lots of factors beginning with our genetic makeup; who we are, who we really are is a child of God. Divine, eternal, glorious and beautiful. We have been taught that our goal in this life is to enter into the next unspotted from the world. If that is so, how are we doing in our living and teaching when it comes to our bodies?

Harvey Milk Day

What is "Harvey Milk Day"? If you are wondering, like I was a few minutes ago, I can tell you what it's NOT. It's not related to Hershey's. I know, but it's the first thought that came to mind as I searched my memory for the phrase. Hershey's Milk Day? Hershey's Milk Chocolate Day? Nope. Brace yourself, it's just about the polar opposite of creamy milk chocolate kisses. Though it does have to do with kisses...in a sick and twisted kind of way.

I just got an email from my brother with the title Harvey Milk Day. It was outlining the current piece of legislation that CA congress is trying to pass. I suppose that I hadn't heard about it yet since I don't live in California. This is what it says,

"If signed, SB 572 would pressure every California public school to have an official Harvey Milk Day promoting the homosexual, bisexual, and transsexual agenda to children as young as kindergarten. The sky is the limit on what a school considers suitable commemorative exercises. This is written so broadly, SB 572 could allow gay-pride parades on campus, cross-dressing, and homosexual marriage dramas, etc. It all going to come down to how much pressure California's governor feels.


Remember, last year the Democrat-controlled Legislature passed Harvey Milk Gay Day, but Schwarzenegger vetoed it.


This year, Schwarzenegger is being lobbied more heavily by homosexual activists. Sean Penn, who played Harvey Milk on the big screen, and Milk's homosexual activist nephew, have both personally lobbied Schwarzenegger to ask him to sign SB 572. Other differences from last year is that there are four more Democrats in the Assembly voting for Harvey Milk Gay Day. And for the first time, a Republican, Senator Abel Maldonado, is supporting this anti-traditional family value bill."

Why, oh why? I feel nauseated, literally, like I want to throw up. This is something that I am so against I want to stand at the tallest mountain and scream to the world "Stop this madness!" Now, before you call me a bigot, or homophobic, or something much more colorful, hear me out.

I absolutely believe that EVERYONE should have equal rights. When it comes to filing taxes, or insurance privileges, or hospital visitation, bring it on. However, equal rights, in my mind, has nothing to do with what goes on in the bedroom - or night-club, or party - or whatever. (Don't think about it too hard.) What I don't believe is that your sexual orientation should have to be paraded on the streets, in the classroom, or the media, in order to have those rights. When it comes right down to it, sexual orientation - and the beliefs that most often accompany them - are strongly related to a persons religion. The origin of marriage and the ideals surrounding them are anchored in whatever religion you happen to practice. Separation of Church and state was enacted to preserve the right for each person to believe what they choose, and primarily, it allowed parents to ability to teach their children how best they see fit.

We've had our children at a Private Christian School. While choosing this school has given our children a religious education, it also took away something that separation of church and state protected. Something that I hadn't thought about when a discussion of the subject is brought up. It is the fact that separation of church and state also protects our children from being taught principles that, as parents, we don't want them to hear. For the atheist, it's that there is only one GOD. For the Christian, it's evolution. Science society, in general, wants to teach the kids that the Big Bang Theory is where it all began. Christian society believes in the Creationist Theory. In the public schools we compromise by teaching both, with an emphasis on the Theory part of the principle. At this Christan School that our kids attended, it came down to the details of what my husband and I believe, and what the school taught. Namely, the doctrine of the trinity (them) and doctrine stating that God is in fact, three separate beings. God the Father being of flesh and bones, just as his son, Jesus Christ, came to earth to gain a body. The Holy Ghost is a spirit without a body. While they are one in purpose, they are not one in body or spirit. While having our kids at this school, it was fine explaining to our daughter the difference, even when she came home confused about the conflict that the doctrines of the Trinity and Resurrection present, but we knew our son was coming to the age where the difference would be harder to explain and understand and in the end, keep straight. So this year, we have opted to move both of them to the public schools. We gained an appreciation for separation of church and state because it allows us to put the moral defining ideas into our kids heads instead of allowing someone else to.

So it should be with sexuality. A persons sexual preference needs to be kept at home and teaching about it should come from parents, not school. Granted, maturation programs that teach kids about puberty may still have their place in the public school system, but then again, maybe it doesn't. As a parent of four, I am fully aware of what is going on our there. I understand that girls are going with girls and boys with boys and I even understand, at least I think I do, why. Part of it is the curiosity that comes with being sexually aroused. Part of it comes from who you connect better with. For some, it's about your past and perhaps leaving behind that part of you that was hurt - or for some, finding that part of your past that was loved. I understand why women LOVE gay men. Being friends with someone who is gay allows you all of the emotional intimacy and social companionship, without the pressure of sex. Very nice, in fact, I would dare to confess that one of the people I wish I could be friends with happens to be the store manager of our local Lane Bryant Store. Pretty sure he's gay. He sure sets a mean and fabulous store display. He knows what jewelry goes with what outfit, and he loves women for what they are, not for whatever sex symbol that may be floating around out there. He's awesome, so nice - the kind of person any girl would love to be friends with.

But it comes back to the fact that the details of what makes homosexuals like to make love to someone of the same sex - and the details of what makes heterosexuals prefer to make love to someone of the opposite sex - it doesn't belong in the schools. It's like religion. It's raw emotion for all involved and it needs to be discussed with sensitivity...in a way that the schools can't do on a mass basis. Keeping it out of the schools allows parents to use their own judgement.

Protect the innocence of children. Stop this legislation from robbing them of their childhood.
This Harvey Milk Day legislation would rob every parent of the right to do this. It is misguided on the part of the GLBT community. Equal rights means EQUAL. Anyone reading this who understands my point of view? Speak up! You can do this by calling the Governors office in California and voicing your opinion. Then pass the word to everyone you know. Here's how:

This call will only take about 30 seconds to complete.

Call Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger at 916-445-2841. Listen to the recorded message and press in the following order:

1 (English)
2 (legislation)
1 (SB572)
2 (against)

read the actual proposed bill here:

Good Family Living

Another blog, another day. So it is with almost everything in my life. I wish that life were more exciting, and yet, I thrive on routine and predictability. When I say exciting, I mean exciting in the way that it would be to, say, go to Paris, then Greece, then Vienna.... I'm looking for a life like this picture. Exciting color and a good dose of pattern. Nice. Summer is the time to be living the good life. It's relaxing to a fault. Too much relaxation and no structure make me go crazy. I am not one of those women who thrive because of my O.C.D. tendencies. I know, I know, my house would be cleaner, our clothes would be lined up more perfectly and all of my meals would be on time and whole grained and filled with nutritious items that a two year old would beg for. (Ha, ha, ha.)My life is not run by the clock, rather a predictable rhythm that varies from hour to hour, but not so much from day to day.

Ironically, the greatest happiness I have in my life are the very things that bring with them a sense of chaos and disorder. Those four little beings who seem to be the bearer of Murphy's Law, albeit with a smile and a hug. The day ends well when I can say that I handled whatever came my way with a normal voice. In other words, losing my temper or raising my voice out of sheer frustration are equal to the failing of a day, a day gone bad, strike that one out and bring in a fresh one 'cause I'm playing the denial game and it's goin' strong. Speaking to the kids with respect and love amount to more than scrubbing the floor (again) or cleaning the toilet (again) or wiping greasy fingerprints off of windows (yes, again). Summer tries my patience. It's hard for the kids, though they won't admit it, because they also thrive of predictability and routine.

I am also not one of the thousands of women out there who either care that this is ever read by anyone, or hope to make millions of dollars by sharing the wisdom I have gleaned over the years. I am not The Meanest Mom, or An Angel named Fie Fie. I am a person who has reached the greatest goal I have had in life four times over. They have names. E., J., L., and LR. LR is my baby and 13 months old. While I am in mourning over passing the days of having a baby in the house, I also feel like life is really beginning now. E. is going into second grade and since the last two years were spent at a Private Christian School in a somewhat sheltered-from-the-world existence, I am gearing up to have the birds and the bees talk with her. The Talk is complicated by the cringing fact that I will have to, eventually, answer and explain how homosexuals want to be married and have babies but they don't have those parts.

For the record, I am a firm advocate of equal rights, no matter what your sexual preference, color, religion etc. I want to hear more about the GLBT community pushing for Civil Union Laws, like those found in Europe. Civil Union Laws would give them rights to having insurance, hospital visitation, tax filing privileges etc. I don't believe that the constitution of the US needs to be revised by changing the definition of marriage. I hate that so much of the above issue is the GLBT community shoving their sexual pref. out into public, along with a demand that we shake our heads yes and give them a pat on the back telling them that whatever they are doing sexually is normal and okay. For instance, the "Kiss-In" that has been staged at various parts of the country. Is this really about equal rights, or is it about two guys right to bring each other to orgasm in public; something that wouldn't be tolerated by the public if they were straight either.

I called this blog Good Family Living because I plan on using it to make a record of the ways that I make my house a home while living on a school-teachers budget. Recipes, short-cuts and the option to vent once in a while about anything and everything will find a way onto these pages. While I would love to have the ability to jet off to far-off places, just for fun - I can't complain because the life I have, though simple and sometimes monotonous, is a good life. Just a reminder...my motivation for writing these things down is four-fold. Their names are E., J., L., and LR.

Last night I made my Grandma's recipe for Minestrone Soup as part of an effort to use up one of the half-dozen zucchini sitting on my counter. I was remembering the first time that I made this as a newly-wed. After asking my Mom for the recipe, I was somewhat put off by the ingredients. Plowing forward I followed the recipe and it was perfect! Just like I remembered. So if the addition of Bean with Bacon Soup makes you raise your eyebrows...trust me, it's good.

Maurine's Minestrone Soup

Mix the following ingredients in large stock pot.

12 cups of beef stock. (broth)
4 cups of water
Bring Liquid to a Boil then add:
1 lb. dry macaroni
2 cups sliced carrots
1 cup chopped green onions
1 teaspoon dried sweet basil
1 can Campbell's Bean with Bacon soup. undiluted
1 8oz. can tomato sauce

Boil for 15 minutes, then add

1 medium-large Zucchini sliced,then halved or quartered. (depending on preference and size of squash.

Boil for 15 more minutes.

Serve hot, topped with grated Parmesan Cheese.