And they keep growing and growing....

I was looking through our family pictures the other day and I cried out to Kurt, "Ahh! This is killing me! Look at our babies, they're all grown up! The BEST days of our life are OVER!!!"

He said, what? "We still have a LOT MORE years!"

To which I said, "yeah, but these baby years, I waited my whole life for them and our youngest is going to kindergarten....I'm finding a job! Sob!"

LoL....he started to say something and I said, "LOOK! I just need a little VALIDATION HERE!"

Kurt said, "Okay....sorry....bummer"

 Once upon a time I was 6 months old!

Mommy asked me not to grow up.......

            

                      ❤  But I DID!! ❤

         

                     Happy Birthday 

                       ❤ Lily Eva ❤ 

                      We Love You!!

What Forgiveness Does NOT Require

One of the subjects contained in this blog,  perhaps only known to the long time readers of it, is that of childhood abuse. I have been open in the past and will continue to be open in the future when discussing the heart-wrenching subject of childhood abuse (all kinds, Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Mental and Social).

Sometimes we must watch through
the rain  before we see the
RAINBOW

The dragon from my own childhood is a monster that can switch from the nice, lame dragon in 'How to Train Your Dragon' to the Biggest, meanest dragon that hides in the mountain.....at any moment. For those who were abused as children, it is a familiar story - and one that will ALWAYS, always end on a happy note, if we seek healing, strength and guidance from our Savior, Jesus Christ.

The past several weeks have been trying, to say the least. Lily's Diagnosis was devastating, and just a couple of weeks after her Dx, the Dragon from my childhood returned with a vengeance. This time, it returned as one of the night-dragon's, because, you see - I refused to acknowledge His presence. He carried the same fear of presence as "He Who Shall Not Be Named" from 'Harry Potter'.... If I didn't say his name....If I didn't even THINK his name, then I would be safe, the problem wouldn't be there, the pain wouldn't surface and I would be FINE to take care of Lily. OF COURSE! Of course this is all that I wanted, it's all that I want now. To take care of my darling (now) 5 year-old.

But my body has been doing some strange, new things. Very New. I started having physical symptoms of severe anxiety. Shaking. Flashbacks and nightmares to traumatic events in my childhood. Horrible Insomnia. Headaches, muscle spasms.

 And why.

 Why was my body reacting so strangely to what my mind thought of as nothing? 

Why am I even writing about this right now?

Because.

 Because I am a Children's Advocate. 

Because I am not JUST a survivor of an abusive childhood, but an adult who is determined to CONQUER the ferocious dragon of my past.

A few visits with an inspired therapist and gifted Psychiatrist, several prayers and whispers of the Spirit later and I am beginning to understand what millions of people, just like me, have - and are - experiencing when they SUPPRESS the natural feelings that stem from traumatic events, fears and triggers to the past. It has the ability to wreak havoc on my entire being, not to mention the good things in my life. From my marriage to my mothering - these triggers and events are TRYING to cripple me.

A few Moments ago I was searching through past emails to make sure I had calendared all of my husbands meetings and conferences and extra work days for the summer when I found a letter that I had written to the family of my youth, just about a  year ago. I share the closing portion, somewhat edited, to serve as a reminder of hope to myself, and to anyone else that may be needing to feel the same encouragement that our Heavenly Father will send our way - the moment we need it, in the instant that we are open to accept it.

Precious Children, we are NEVER left alone
to walk through life's most
trying places.

****************

I want to give the children in our family the tools and knowledge to win the war of good vs. evil. The first time I met with [my therapist]  he said to me - "stop trying to make sense of the pain in your past. It doesn't make sense. It never will."

I forgave ******  a long time ago. The life that I lived is something I will never forget, but I've left it behind and I am choosing to not let it control today. "...letting your past run your life is like letting a caboose run a train." 

I'm sure I made mistakes back then, just as I do now. But I repented of those sins and when I received my endowment at age 21 I knew that I had been forgiven of my wrongdoings. So every Sunday when I take the sacrament, I try and renew the hope that I can do better during the following week.

I just want to close this letter with two quotes that pretty much sum up what this Mama Bear has learned to the point of testimony,

"Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil.

 It does not require us to ignore the wrong that we see...

But as we fight against sin, we must not allow hatred or 

anger to control out thoughts or actions." ~ Elder David E. Sorensen

"Boys [or girls] flying kites haul in their white winged birds,

but you can't do that when you're flying words.

Thoughts left unexpressed often lie back dead,

but even God can't kill them once they're said."

                ~Unknown, quoted by David O. McKay

I hope someday we will be a family again. Each of us has our own giants to battle and they are only for each of us to fight. I can't fight your inner battles, but I can love you, which I do. This issue is one of the giants of my life

I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me the tools and strength, and when needed, humility, to fight the good fight, the best that I know how.

Love,

Nicole

"Forgiveness has nothing to do with them. It has to do with who we are and who we will become."            ~Richard Paul Evans

***************

May each of us take hold of the challenge that has been given to us from a loving Heavenly Father and allow ourselves to be refined by the refiners fire.

Your loving friend and fellow blogger,

If forgiveness is about who WE will become, where's that potential held?
Is it in the magic of the night's first star or the seedlings dance on the wind?
With lowered head turned towards the SUN we find the answer o'erflowing.
The chosen one, our Savior, His name is Jesus Christ.
He's shown the way, we have only to look - and study and pray and try.
For that is where our potential is found, within, without, and above.
                                                     Copyright 2011     ~Nicole L. Jensen

The SONG of the righteous is a prayer unto ME.

Sunday is the first day of the week according to the calendar. But according to the Bible, Sunday is the Sabbath Day, the Seventh day of the Creation, the day that God set aside to rest. And the day that HE gave us to worship him. Rest from OUR labors, honor him through our service to Him.

Today I woke up at 4 am. I've been having strange, flash-back kind of dreams from real events in my life and they leave me awake and disturbed and unable to get back to sleep. It's been happening a lot lately.

For years, while my children were newborns, I would be up in the middle of the night with them, and I loved it. That was the only time of the day that was free from phone calls, other children's demands, work needing to be done and places to go. It was my blessing time. The time that I could hold my sweet baby and just revel in the spirit that little person had brought into our home.

I believe that EVERY child born into this earth is born carrying the kind of love and spirit from our Father in Heaven that each of us longs to feel on a daily basis. The trouble comes when we try to find the kind of quiet that is required to really feel that Heavenly Hug that will carry us a few more step-stones on the pathway of life.

With all of the distractions in the world it is all too easy to allow our lives to become either too complacent, too complicated, or both.

Our Heavenly Father misses us. He is a jealous God, it says so in the Bible. He doesn't like to be left out of our lives and he will send us little reminders to call home - just like, I imagine, I will when my kids head off for college. One of my reminders has come in the form of insomnia, which is fine and all, but seriously.....I miss having one of those new ones to hold. So if any of my friends reading this need a break from their newborn that happens to fall at, say 3am...call me. I'm serious. Dead serious. I'll be right over and happy as a toddler in the cookie jar.

May the Lord's blessings fall upon your house this week, and may you find the time to feel a little homesick. I promise that if you notice that feeling, he'll send you a hug. I promise.

All time Low

When your 4 year old tells you that she can't do something you're asking because she's "too shaky" - take that as a very bad sign.

Little hands so soft and sweet.
Stop poking them!!

Lily hit her all-time low about 45 minuets ago. 31 is a no-good-very-bad-number for diabetics, or anyone for that matter. The ironic thing is that this past week we went to her appointment and were instructed on how and when to give her a 'mini-glucogen' shot. Glucogen is what your liver dumps into your blood-stream when your in danger of, well, dying for lack of energy.

Princess's DON'T need SHOTS!

She's been resisting her shots more the past couple of weeks. It's horrible! As a Mom, All I want to do is protect my babies and give them what they need to be healthy and happy. Quite frankly, when a parent uses the term, "it's for your own good", or "this is harder for me than it is for you", most people chuckle and think about how many time their parents said that and, "gasp!!!, I can't believe I just said what I SWORE I would never say to my kids!!" So as I get her shots ready I FEEL myself saying what I used to just hear my parents say. And my words come out more like "Please honey! I'm sorry!! I KNOW it hurts, but we just have to be brave."

Don't be fooled by the age of our children.
They are young, but they are WISE.
AND, they learn (remember) quickly.

Sometimes when she asks the question, "Mommy, WHY haven't they found a cure yet?!?" I am able and prompted to seize the moment and to teach her the gospel principles behind our mortality. I tell her about the cure that will come when she's resurrected, and given a perfectly perfect body, that NEVER gets sick. But mostly, I just tell her that I don't know why because Mommy can't see eternity. Then I tell her that I love our Heavenly Father SOOO much, and that HE loves her even more than that, and that this trial is her test to show her Heavenly Father how brave she can be.

I've been so blessed, countless times, to feel the words given to me to be able to explain to my children at the youngest of ages, the most beautiful and profound principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. To tell a four year old that Type 1 diabetes is part of her test in this life may trip us up as adults. We stop ourselves and think that this child is too young to understand such abstract principles. but that is where the mistake is made. Because the principles are not abstract at all, in fact, they are quite the opposite, they are what lies at the very center of our existence. 'God's plan of Happiness', or 'The Plan of Salvation' is the glue that formed our beings into something strong enough to place faith in an older brother (Jesus Christ) and then to take that leap of faith into the darkness of this world. Because we KNEW that we could get home again.

"Jesus KNOWS that those shots hurt honey.
He will help you be brave."

So, when a teaching moment comes - and they will come as often as we are ready for them - we can explain, "with the tongue of angels" that the reason this little girl is getting shots many times a day is because she wanted the chance to show her Heavenly Father how brave she could be, and also how much faith she could have. Knowing most four year olds, that teaching moment will most likely last as long as the questions flow. In my case, it came when Lily asked what faith meant. "You can have faith honey when you choose to believe that Jesus KNOWS what it feels like to have lots of shots. And when you choose to close your eyes and take his hand and let him help you be brave. Because he can, and he will!"

Pray Always

Don't be fooled by the fact that the end of this conversation was the last sentence above. "Careful the things you say.....children will listen..." are the words in a much loved broadway musical. They listen when the spirit of God is present.......why else would it be so hard to be patient as a parent? We all know what happens when Mom or Dad, or Grandma, Grandpa, etc. loose their patience - the teaching Spirit flies away and little devils come to play. Ooooooo! I surely, DOn't like those mean little guys. Do you?

When have you had the chance to teach a VeRy young child a gospel principle that one might initially think is over their heads? Please share!

Anybody in There????

We just got a new dog. For those of you who don't know that we had to find a new family for 'Gimli' our Bull-Mastiff about 2 weeks after Lily's Dx. And now, we have a little, white, puff-ball, Maltese.

This isn't actually our 'Bella', but a good
representation of what she looks like!

I'll write more about her later, just like I WILL eventually publish Part 4 of how we found Lily's Diabetes. But tonight, suffice it to say that our new baby, "Bella" (yes Twilight, and no-I've liked the name for a long time.) is deaf. Yes, YOU HEARD me, she's Deaf.

IF it weren't for the fact that she has been deaf for quite a while I would think that she had caught whatever disease that our children have. You know the disease that I'm talking about, right? The one that causes debilitating selective hearing in children.

The worst part about that disease is that the debilitating part is only debilitating to the PARENTS. Like, NO FAIR! Ugh. It's nights like this that I just don't GET the novelty of hearing your own echo in a cave or canyon. I hear my own voice ALL the time. It's not that great. It's kind of lonely. And it's how people go INSANE.
Ladadadadadada....dooodeedodedooboppop.


Ending this post with a SHOUT OUT to my Mom's friends - The Brown Family. They've just had a second child diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. It's my worst nightmare right now and my heart aches for them. I know the guardian angles are surrounding them during this time of need, but please send prayers too. xoxoxoxo

Type 1 Diabetes - How Did We Know? Part 3 of 4

Since Kurt and I had already "figured out" the bed wetting incidents and "solved" that problem (haha, NOT really), and since Lily's hunger seemed to be just another childhood growth spurt, I would have to say that this next symptom was - for me - the BIGGEST red flag. Of course, it was over several days of observation before I saw the red.....does that make any sense? Oh well, let me explain.

Skin and Bones....post 3 hrs of IV fluids + insulin

Around the time that Lily was eating so much I started to notice that she was looking thinner. Unfortunately, this observation just solidified my 'growth spurt' theory. You know how it goes....most babies have cute little chubby cheeks, and thighs, and fingers.....and then all of the sudden they start to grow. Out and UP, out and UP. And really, in this case, my Mom was the first to notice. The Sunday before Lily's diagnosis we were at my Mom and Dad's house for dinner. At some point in the evening my Mom commented, "Wow! Lily sure has thinned out quickly!" I gave her observation about 10 nano-seconds of thought, adding it to my library of observations of the Kids' behavior from the evening, and moving right along.....! It must have been that night that the hunger and her "thinning out" first started looking like more than just a growth spurt. With each day that came and went, Kurt would come home from work and at some point in the evening I would ask him "Does something seem off with Lily?" or "Look at Lily, does she look thinner to you?" It's not his fault that he didn't notice anything wrong, and that his answer to my questions was "no". The thing about Type 1 Diabetes is that the onset is sudden, and when Dad is only home for a couple of hours during the kids awake time, it would be easy to miss.

There were 2 or 3 times during these last few days before her diagnosis that Lily was unusually cranky, quiet, and lazy. At first I didn't think anything of it, but by Sunday night, and then with each day after that, I stopped asking her to do extra work. Sigh!  In FACT, that Monday (March 28, 2011) during the day, just after lunch, I asked her to run down to the basement and grab Luke's blanket for nap time. "Ugh! M-O,O-M! Why do I have to be your servant?" (lol!) I gave her my, now common reply, "because you grew up! I've told you since you were a baby to stop growing up and since none of you have listened, you are now going to be my servants! :) " Well, she went downstairs to get his blanket, and right when she got up to our main floor I said, "okay! Let's go upstairs for stories!" She said, "Noooo! Up MORE stairs? I'm too tired, it's too far.!!"

It was at this point that I KNEW something was wrong. I just didn't know what it was. Anytime I asked Lily if she was feeling okay, she was just annoyed and responded with a quick, "MOM! I'm FINE!! Nothing's wrong, O-Kay?"

Moving from the ER to the 3rd floor....

Looking back now I understand what was going on during these question and answer sessions. First and most importantly, she's FOUR.  Developmentally speaking, she's at the age where she's just learning to recognize her physical symptoms and then be able to put it into words. Secondly, Lily has had a pretty good case of 'third child syndrome' for a while now, and one part of that syndrome is an adamant refusal to be left - out - of - ANYTHING. Period. Most kids have to be really, really sick to  willingly stay inside during playtime. Tack on the blessing of being the 3rd of 4 children and you might as well have an ox in the mire (mud-pit), an ant stuck in honey, or better yet - super-glue stuck on your fingers. You get the point, right? So, for several days she would push herself in order to participate in what was going on around the house and/or neighborhood. By Sunday she had stopped participating in the fun, but still wouldn't admit that there was anything wrong. By Tuesday morning she wasn't saying what was wrong, though I'm pretty sure that if she put her head up long enough and took her thumb out of her mouth far enough, she still may not have been able to tell me.

Our brave Lily w/ Nurse Natalie 

 Every day that went past made me realize more and more  that there was something really wrong. She was getting thinner by the hour, she had circles under her eyes, she was sucking her thumb more all of the sudden, and carrying her blankie everywhere....and then I could count her ribs and just a few clicks forward I was counting the bumps that made her spine.  On Wednesday, the 30th of March she had already spent 2 days officially 'sick' though with what I had no idea. That day she had gotten thin to the point that she weighed noticeably less when I carried her - everywhere, btw - and she didn't want to straddle, or wrap her legs around our waists when we carried her. She felt like she was going to break!

For almost 2 weeks I had watched our precious girl with a 

nagging feeling that something was wrong. 

Part four of our story is the best part  of the story, 

the part of our story where a very bad dream

 is magically turned into the most beautiful miracle of our lives.

Stay tuned... :)

Type 1 Diabetes - How Did We Know? Part 2 of 4

"You are STILL hungry?" 

My eyes would pop out of my head as I  turned to look at my husband, 

who's eyes would then pop out of HIS head!

"Have a drink of water honey, you are probably thirsty ." Then,

"Honey, did you know it takes your body 20 minutes to know that it's full?"

Of course,  NOW I know why she was so hungry. But during the middle of March all I could think was "How on EARTH are we going to be able to afford to FEED these kids (we have four total) at the rate they are eating?" Laughing Out Loud now, but the Sunday before Lily's Dr's appt and subsequent diagnosis I had drawn some (deeply profound ;)  analogy during the Sunday School lesson about how God knows how much or how little we need and how he'll take care of us. Lol! I commented on how many times Kurt and I had exclaimed to each other during the previous weeks about how MUCH FOOD our little munchkins are eating.

"Eat Slower kids!" 

     "Make sure you start with a nice glass of water!"

    "No grazing guys!" (that one's been around for a long time) 

   "Remember, if you get DoWn from the table, that means you are finished eating, so make sure you're full! Because you can't get down to play and then come back later for more."

Unusual hunger is another one of the symptoms of Type 1 diabetes. The trick is in figuring, or realizing that a child's hunger may be something MORE than a looming growth spurt. In fact, while Lily HAD been eating quite a bit a mealtimes, AND grazing so much that it had become an issue, the thought that her hunger was linked to Type 1 diabetes never even crossed my mind! Lily has an older sister who is 9 and an older brother who is 7 and as all parents know, kids eating patterns ebb and flow.....like the moon (soooo poetic huh? ;) But seriously, they do! Sometimes they'll eat next to nothing for several days - and that may be due to a growth spurt or perhaps due to a mild cold....any number of things.

The day that Lily was diagnosed was Thursday, March 31, 2011. Her doctors appointment was at 5:30 pm and we were looking forward to going to my Grandma's 80th birthday party which was at 6 pm. (A very COOL 80 year old btw - she texts her grand kids :) When I tucked Lily into bed for her nap, she told me she was going to sleep for a l-o-n-g time so she would have fun at Grandma Rini's birthday party. When the PA came in and told us to head straight for Primary Children's MC  ER Lily burst into tears! Not because she was going to the hospital, but because she'd just heard that we wouldn't be going to the party!!

Of course, we had to drop her 3 siblings off to my parents, who were at the Birthday party. So we took that chance to give Grandma her gift, have my Dad and Kurt give her a blessing, and get her something to eat. At this point in our story, the knowledge that I had about Lily's disease was quite limited, and some of what I knew was just plain wrong. When it came to eating, I  was thinking that whatever Lily ate on the way to the hospital would be her "Last Meal".

"She had diabetes, that means no more sugar!" But boy was she hungry! She ate a huge hamburger, and a mini cheesecake, then since she asked for Mom's cheesecake, I gave that one to her too. "Poor girl, she'll never have another cheesecake..."

In the end, I was wrong about all of it. Her hunger wasn't just a growth spurt - And - those little cheesecakes were not the last treats she would eat. I would come to realize over the next 10 days that most of what I knew about diabetes centered around the most recent research concerning Type 2 Diabetes. Type 2 Diabetes has been around for decades. 

Click Here to see a timeline of the history of Diabetes.

However, the differences in Type 1 and Type 2 - and did you know there is a Type 1.5 ? - are huge. The reason we are hearing so much about Type 2 is because the number of adults and children who suffer from this variation of Diabetes has reached epidemic proportions. Also, there is a lot that can be done to prevent Type 2 onset. "Prevention is the best medicine", or so they say. And why not! 

When it comes to Type 1 Diabetes though, for now, we don't have the *causes, *preventions, and *cure. The greatest hope for a cure lies in the research that has been done on Stem Cells, and more specifically, Embryonic Stem Cells. The obvious debate on both political and moral platforms has stalled progress on finding THE CURE. No worries though, stalled progress does not equal stalled HOPE. What we DO know about Type 1 is that there seems to be a strong genetic factor. And the best news is simply that we know WHAT is going on, and we know HOW to both Monitor and Manage a child's blood glucose levels.

So, to wrap up.... Lily was hungry. Really, really hungry. She would eat, and be SO full, but then come back for more. Her body was lacking the insulin needed to grab the sugar out of her blood & feed the rest of her body. So her body sent signals to her brain, and to her tummy, that it needed MORE. 

I found this video a couple of days ago. With all of the learning, concentrating, organizing, watching, monitoring and nursing that I've participated in during the past two weeks, I haven't found, or taken the time to cry. There were a few moments in the hospital that the tears tried to edge their way out, but I was afraid that if I started, I wouldn't be able to stop! It's been much better for me to be able to put my efforts into everything that is required from day to day - but when I found this video, I lost it. I'm grateful that I found it during nap time so Lily or Luke didn't have to see me cry. The hesitation before each shot, and poke - the pale face and limp little body, the brave little girl who told me yesterday during EVERY single needle jab that she "doesn't WANT to have diabetes!" Not with a whine. Just a tender, child-like statement that carried with it all of the humility, meekness and willingness to submit to the trials of this life that our Savior exemplified during His life. She's my hero. And I'm one lucky Mom.

Type 1 Diabetes - How Did We Know? Part 1 of 4

Lily Eva Jensen!! Abt. 2 months ago.

One of the most common questions that we have been asked during the past few days is, "How did she get sick so suddenly", and "How did you know something was wrong?" Yesterday I started texting the answer to this question to a friend but stopped halfway through, telling her that I would finish the answer on my blog. It was much to long for a text, plus, this way, I could answer the golden question once.

*********

A quick 'google' search could easily take you to a dozen medical websites with  pretty much the same list of symptoms. Beginning with the most commonly recognized and prominent traits - Excessive thirst and increased urination.

This symptom showed up in Lily around 2 weeks before we finally took her into the doctor, but to say that our first thought was diabetes would be FaR, fAr from the truth! (unfortunately:( ) But, like most parents,  any symptom or problem is usually addressed through the process of elimination. In Lily's case, around the time of March 24th Lily began asking for more and more water. We had a conversation about gulping, which just seems funny, looking back at it.  She was gulping her water and I taught her about swallowing air and how that could give her a tummy ache. Also, we discussed Princess Manners, and gulping water or slurping soup certainly didn't fit the bill!

Over the next several days Lily had 3 or 4 instances where she wet the bed. This was surprising to all of us since she had never had an accident and had been potty trained for years! When I asked Lily what happened she said she didn't know, "Mommy, my body didn't even TELL me to go potty, but I woke up and my bed was wet :( ". As parents, we looked at these incidents and saw two possible causes. First, she was obviously drinking too much water at bedtime. "Sigh! these kids... " we thought, "will they NEVER stop finding excuses to get out of bed?!!!" Second, the toilet right next to the kids rooms was out of order. I wondered if the journey down the hallway and into Mom and Dad's room was a bit intimidating for a four year old.

To solve these two problems we first drew a limit to how much water she could take to her nightstand - ONE 16 oz. cup should be plenty for anyone, we said. (Of course, NOW, I feel horribly guilty for restricting her water. I could almost cry!) Secondly we put a nightlight in the hallway, made sure the books from bedtime reading were picked up off the floor, and left a light on in our bathroom so that she could easily see the pathway. Ugh! Guilt!!! But, at the time, the problem seemed obvious and our solutions worked. No more accidents, though she asked for water immediately after she woke up and all throughout the day.

Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back it seems so clear! But two+ weeks ago this tell-tale symptom of Type 1 Diabetes seemed to have both obvious origins and easy solutions. If Lily had been an only child, these night-time wetting occurences, as well as the onset of the symptoms would have surely stood out - maybe even being alarming. However, Lily is one of FOUR kids - which makes for a very busy household. Her younger brother was diagnosed with food allergies to milk, peanuts, and eggs six months ago also. Needless to say, it took some time for her symptoms to become well defined pieces of her diagnostic puzzle.

Part 1 ? I know, I know! Why on earth can't I find the time to type out an entire book about the past three weeks? Or maybe the question is why would it even take a book? Lol! Well, I'm a writer, a reader, and a talker - so put those three things together via blog and what you get is my thoughts written out for you (and in the future, Lily) to read! More time? Well, for now - I have about 5 minutes to hop in the shower before Lily's next blood check and lunch. Thinking I should seize the moment, sniff, sniff.... ;)

Happy 4th Birthday 6/9/10

Blankie # 2 via Grandma Susan's Magic Blankie Machine!

**A few minutes ago Lily and Luke were getting ready to go out front and play in the sunshine with their Daddy. I asked Lily how she was feeling, and she said "Fine....but I still have diabetes huh Mom?" I smiled and said "yes honey, you will always have diabetes, for the rest of your life." to which she said "Unless we find the cure! Mommy, maybe if I eat 100 bananas that will work for the cure! What do you think?!!!!!" I think.......BRING IT!!!! Oh yeah! We will find a cure, you betcha!!

Forgiveness.....

Last night was family night.

Sometimes it's great

Sometimes it's a battle - like it was last night.

We ended up writing letters

to

Santa.

Because Santa wants to have Christmas ready early this year.

:)

Everyone went right to work

Except for my oldest,

Eden.

Who got tears in her eyes

and wouldn't write anything down

but asked if she could 

"talk to me alone for a minute"

I motioned for her to come whisper it in my ear

She shook her head no, and told me it wasn't that kind of

talking.

Uh-oh.

I looked at Hottie Husband

with terror in my eyes.

And 20 minuets later when the rest of us were finished

and I was headed

upstairs

to talk.

I pulled him aside and told him

that I was worried!!!

Worried that

SHE

KNEW.

NO!!!!

NO!!!!!

This was the third time that the subject Santa Clause

had come up and

it was the third time that Eden had left the room

in TEARS.

And now..............

She was going to ask me

F L A T  -  O U T

"What am I going to tell her??????"

He calmly says,

(with a smile on his face)

"Just tell her the truth!"

MOAN, UGH, NOOOOOOO!!!!

I can handle having the final portion of

"the talk"

in regards to how the sperm gets to the egg.

I can handle buying the first bra.

I'm handling the estrogen-fed hormonal reactions pretty well.

BUT

I am NOT ready to admit how those stockings get filled on

Christmas Eve.

We sat on my bed

like we had many, many, MaNY times before

and I braced myself.

"Mom,"

she started....with tears following close behind

"Mom, I....I....I don't think I can ask Santa for anything this year because I've been doing a LOT of things that I should do, and I mean a LOT. And I haven't told you any of them - so I've been naughty and I deserve a lump of coal.....sob!!!"

Silence.

JOY!!!!!!!

Relief!

JOY!

Ahem......Nico-le.....come back to earth please.....

Oh,

right.

!!!

So I took my firstborn angel into my arms

and let her tell me all about it.

And she was right.

It WAS bad.

Horrible, actually.

She had an actual hiding place for her candy

so she could eat it in the basement.

Food is not allowed out of the kitchen in our home.

:)

30 minuets later we said goodnight

and she headed off to the room that she shared with her sister

to apologize

for not being nicer.

And to put into practice her first big lesson

about

repentance,

and forgiveness,

and about that yucky feeling that comes

from the spirit

when we've made a bad choice,

or 2 or 3.

That "Yucky Feeling"

It was a beautiful teaching moment.

My prayers that night were filled with gratitude.

Grateful that THAT day, 

I had been in tune enough with the Spirit

to be able to teach

instead of rolling my eyes.

Grateful that She had been sent to our family

first. to bless me. to bless her siblings.

And grateful that She

Believes.

In HIM

And yes -

In Santa too - who celebrates HIS birth by giving.

Greg Olsen art.

Forgiveness.

It's not always easy

or clear cut.

The scriptures teach us a lot about forgiveness

But through most of our life, we learn about forgiveness

throughout each day.

As we extend forgiveness freely

to those who may never ask for it, 

and to those, whose tender innocence really never needed it.

We learn about forgiveness

as others allow Christ's mercy to flow through their hearts

and into ours.

And we learn

so painfully

that being left alone to suffer

because of someones refusal to forgive

is akin to

being left alone in a room full of

mirrors.

Each one distorted into some

unrecognizable shape.

So we close our eyes

and look inward

to our heart.

And we keep our eyes closed.

closed to those who may hate us

or judge us

or simply misunderstand us

And our HEART

becomes our EYES

that set our sight inwards and upwards

towards

Our Savior.

Because 

HE FORGIVES.

******

"Forgiveness has nothing to do with them. It has to do with who we are and who we may become."

Richard Paul Evans in 'The Timepiece'

*******

We must forgive those who hurt us. The reason is simple: Bitterness and unforgiveness are claws that set their hooks deep in our hearts; they are chains that keep us held captive to the wounds and the messages of those wounds. Until you forgive, you remain their prisoner. Paul warns us that unforgiveness and bitterness can wreck our lives and the lives of others (Eph. 4:31; Heb. 12:15). We have to let them go.

Forgive as Christ has forgiven you. (Col 3:13)

Now - listen carefully. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling - don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will. "Don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving," wrote Neil Anderson. "You will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made . . ." We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past, for "if your forgiveness doesn't visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete." We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to our father, our mother, those who hurt us. This is not saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is not saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God."

It might help to remember that those who hurt you were also deeply wounded themselves. They were broken hearts, broken when they were young, and they fell captive to the Enemy. They were in fact pawns in his hands. This doesn't absolve them of the choices they made, the things they did. It just helps us to let them go - to realize that they were shattered souls themselves, used by our true Enemy in his war against femininity. 

Stasi and John Eldredge in  'Captivating'

************

Teaching Our Children

If there was one quality of mine that has served as both a blessing and a curse, it is my amazing ability to speak my mind. Clearly. Straightforward. When I speak with kindness, I've been able to lift and bless, love and nurture those in my life. When my tounge has been faster than my mind and heart and reason, well - let's just say that the term "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is SO not true. As I've grown older, and especially since marrying my sweetheart 10 years ago, I've tried to reign in the curse part of my quick wit and mouth and just, well, shut it when needs be.
With my children, I've been particularly sensitive to not just my WORDS but also the TONE and volume of my voice. One of our favorite sayings around our house is: "It's not what you say, but how you say it."

Sometimes we need to give ourselves a few minutes, or a few days, before responding to a situation to make sure that when we answer, we are giving the answer that we really mean and want to give. I'm so grateful for the Spirit that can let me know when to SAY it and when to let it go.

Today is Sunday and I'm home from church with our oldest daughter, who is recovering from her toncscilectomy. Everyone else is gone. It's snowing outside. And I'm DYING to do some work around the house. Just the usual stuff, re-arrange the furniture, a little paint here, a little wall-paper there, etc. etc. etc. After getting the rest of the family off to church the itch to DO intensified and I could feel this nagging irritation creeping into my soul. I was getting cranky! For no apparent reason. But the Spirit quickly reminded me that I hadn't had the time to pray and read from the scriptures yet. So I did. It was amazing - I read, like THREE chapters (yes, chapters, not just verses). That NEVER happens. And THEN, after tending to my daughters needs, I was able to flip through and read TWO talks from conference. WHOA!

I know, I know......you might think that I'm making this up, but  I promise I'm not. There was just so much QUIET around here. I came across my Relief Society Lesson Schedule and saw that my lesson for next month is --------"The Sabbath Day". Whoa? Oh, yeah. And then, as if it weren't obvious enough the last conference talk that I read was this one:

Click HERE to read or listen to "Stay on the Path"

And the top quote of the talk (for me?) :

"The world will teach our children if we do not, and children 

are capable of learning all the world will teach them at a very 

young age. What we want them to know five years from now 

needs to be part of our conversation with them today. Teach 

them in every circumstance; let every dilemma, every 

consequence, every trial that they may face provide an 

opportunity to teach them how to hold on to gospel truths."

This would be one of the blessing parts of my talk, talk, talk, talking. My children know a lot. NO, I'm not bragging - I promise. But part of my testimony as a Mother is that the above quote is 100% true. In 5 years, my oldest daughter will be turning 14. (ahhhhh!) My oldest son will be turning 12. So, we can teach our children every single part of the plan of salvation from the earliest age. Not only by talking to them, but by our examples. And when we make mistakes, which I happen to do every day, the best thing that I can do is to TALK via. acknowledging that I messed up and that I was wrong.

It's difficult to internalize the fact that if we are constantly talking to our children through our days - good and bad. If we share with them our inner struggles, our plan of attack to come out on Christ's side, and then tell them when we come through. They will learn. They will learn that "Parenting With LOVE and Logic" is how our Heavenly Father parents us also.

So, back to my "dilemma" in the first paragraph. No painting today. Please excuse me while I go play with legos. :)

Happy Monday....TGIM!

Call me crazy,

but

I LOVE Mondays.

Something about getting back to the

routine.

School Days especially bring

structure and

consistency

That my kids crave as much as I do.

This morning the oldest 2 kids were late

because (I think) they thought

I was joking when I said to get dressed.

But then,

my two babies

(2 1/2 and 4 1/2 lol)

and I went to run some errands.

They were blissful

because they always want to 

GO

in the morning.....

"NO! go home Mommy!"

So,

we hit the Dr's office

to pick up a prescription

then we watched

Krispy Kreme MAKE their doughnuts

(we've never actually seen the 'HOT' sign on)

And my princess was singing the whole time

and telling me that I'm the bestest Mommy

in the EVER world :)

I vacillated between

'Kid to Kid',

'D.I.'

or 'Savers' to look for size 7slim

jeans for my oldest boy.

We went to 'Savers'

It was my first, and last time in their store.

Ugh.

But the good news was that they sold

Silly Bands for only $2.00

The man in front of us had $300.00 worth of STUFF

in his cart. 

We waited for 20 minutes for our turn

and my baby boy spent the whole time

moving the silly bands from

one display hanger to the other.

I was quite impressed with his amazing dexterity!

That little hole in the top of the package was 

no big deal.

Call me crazy,

but I'm head over heels in love with

these kids.

And their Dad.

And now, I'm off to pick up the big kids from school

I won't be the bestest Mommy anymore

because I'll make them do 

HOMEWORK.

But that's okay too,

I'm still gaga over them.

Even when I feel like sending them 

BACK

to school, tonight around, say - 

7 pm.

:)