What Forgiveness Does NOT Require

One of the subjects contained in this blog,  perhaps only known to the long time readers of it, is that of childhood abuse. I have been open in the past and will continue to be open in the future when discussing the heart-wrenching subject of childhood abuse (all kinds, Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Mental and Social).

Sometimes we must watch through
the rain  before we see the
RAINBOW

The dragon from my own childhood is a monster that can switch from the nice, lame dragon in 'How to Train Your Dragon' to the Biggest, meanest dragon that hides in the mountain.....at any moment. For those who were abused as children, it is a familiar story - and one that will ALWAYS, always end on a happy note, if we seek healing, strength and guidance from our Savior, Jesus Christ.

The past several weeks have been trying, to say the least. Lily's Diagnosis was devastating, and just a couple of weeks after her Dx, the Dragon from my childhood returned with a vengeance. This time, it returned as one of the night-dragon's, because, you see - I refused to acknowledge His presence. He carried the same fear of presence as "He Who Shall Not Be Named" from 'Harry Potter'.... If I didn't say his name....If I didn't even THINK his name, then I would be safe, the problem wouldn't be there, the pain wouldn't surface and I would be FINE to take care of Lily. OF COURSE! Of course this is all that I wanted, it's all that I want now. To take care of my darling (now) 5 year-old.

But my body has been doing some strange, new things. Very New. I started having physical symptoms of severe anxiety. Shaking. Flashbacks and nightmares to traumatic events in my childhood. Horrible Insomnia. Headaches, muscle spasms.

 And why.

 Why was my body reacting so strangely to what my mind thought of as nothing? 

Why am I even writing about this right now?

Because.

 Because I am a Children's Advocate. 

Because I am not JUST a survivor of an abusive childhood, but an adult who is determined to CONQUER the ferocious dragon of my past.

A few visits with an inspired therapist and gifted Psychiatrist, several prayers and whispers of the Spirit later and I am beginning to understand what millions of people, just like me, have - and are - experiencing when they SUPPRESS the natural feelings that stem from traumatic events, fears and triggers to the past. It has the ability to wreak havoc on my entire being, not to mention the good things in my life. From my marriage to my mothering - these triggers and events are TRYING to cripple me.

A few Moments ago I was searching through past emails to make sure I had calendared all of my husbands meetings and conferences and extra work days for the summer when I found a letter that I had written to the family of my youth, just about a  year ago. I share the closing portion, somewhat edited, to serve as a reminder of hope to myself, and to anyone else that may be needing to feel the same encouragement that our Heavenly Father will send our way - the moment we need it, in the instant that we are open to accept it.

Precious Children, we are NEVER left alone
to walk through life's most
trying places.

****************

I want to give the children in our family the tools and knowledge to win the war of good vs. evil. The first time I met with [my therapist]  he said to me - "stop trying to make sense of the pain in your past. It doesn't make sense. It never will."

I forgave ******  a long time ago. The life that I lived is something I will never forget, but I've left it behind and I am choosing to not let it control today. "...letting your past run your life is like letting a caboose run a train." 

I'm sure I made mistakes back then, just as I do now. But I repented of those sins and when I received my endowment at age 21 I knew that I had been forgiven of my wrongdoings. So every Sunday when I take the sacrament, I try and renew the hope that I can do better during the following week.

I just want to close this letter with two quotes that pretty much sum up what this Mama Bear has learned to the point of testimony,

"Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil.

 It does not require us to ignore the wrong that we see...

But as we fight against sin, we must not allow hatred or 

anger to control out thoughts or actions." ~ Elder David E. Sorensen

"Boys [or girls] flying kites haul in their white winged birds,

but you can't do that when you're flying words.

Thoughts left unexpressed often lie back dead,

but even God can't kill them once they're said."

                ~Unknown, quoted by David O. McKay

I hope someday we will be a family again. Each of us has our own giants to battle and they are only for each of us to fight. I can't fight your inner battles, but I can love you, which I do. This issue is one of the giants of my life

I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me the tools and strength, and when needed, humility, to fight the good fight, the best that I know how.

Love,

Nicole

"Forgiveness has nothing to do with them. It has to do with who we are and who we will become."            ~Richard Paul Evans

***************

May each of us take hold of the challenge that has been given to us from a loving Heavenly Father and allow ourselves to be refined by the refiners fire.

Your loving friend and fellow blogger,

If forgiveness is about who WE will become, where's that potential held?
Is it in the magic of the night's first star or the seedlings dance on the wind?
With lowered head turned towards the SUN we find the answer o'erflowing.
The chosen one, our Savior, His name is Jesus Christ.
He's shown the way, we have only to look - and study and pray and try.
For that is where our potential is found, within, without, and above.
                                                     Copyright 2011     ~Nicole L. Jensen