Don't you hate it when you start a blog entry and then it's weeks or months before you get back to it? Talk about annoying - and telling. Like it's the story of my life. Start, stop. Start, stop. But hey! At least when I change the babies diaper, I actually FINISH that one!
The past 6 months have flown by for better or worse. They were, quite truly, the loneliest months of my life. Alone. Or so I thought.
It's the adversary's plan to make us feel alone, because when we feel alone,
those other dark feelings - hopeless, despondent, etc. - can take root in our hearts and crowd out the roots of faith that were planted there a long time ago.
And for me, it was a feeling unlike anything I've ever experienced. I didn't have an easy childhood. I had a privileged childhood, but there were dark things going on in my life, things that were out of my control, painful - no - intensely painful things that my sweet parents didn't see. That part of my life is behind me, but it's necessary to mention because what I have to say next means so much more if one knows that I spent most of my childhood scared and hurting, yet never alone.
Dating Kurt was so different than dating any of the other (amazing) guys that I had dated. It was so effortless, so right. It was so obvious that my Heavenly Father was quietly showing me that this guy, the guy that rode his mountain bike 20 miles + for fun, was the person with whom I could trust my heart. And so I did. That was 10 years ago. And they have been GOOD years. They've been years that have been filled with trials I never would have imagined, but we've survived. Yep! We've survived, but only just.
Life is hard, that's just the way it is - and eventually we will all be faced with a battle that will either cripple us or refine us. For some of us it may be a life long event, for others it may be a tragedy that strikes with out warning, but it will come. And when it does, well, may Heaven help us.
My crippling blow came this past April after a full year of chronic, debilitating pain from endometriosis. It came after one unsuccessful surgery in December, and another drudgery - a full, complete, yank-it-all-out hysterectomy. It came aprox. 4-5 weeks into my recovery. As if that weren’t enough to pull me down - it did beat me WAY down, and then the crippling blow came. It came by way of a young family member choosing to hurt my youngest daughter in the very way that I had sworn to myself would never happen. What followed was 3 months of an intense spiritual and emotional attack on our family. My daughter, who was 3 1/2 at the time saw a counselor and was given strong physical and vocal support from my husband, children and myself. The very fact that she told, not only me, but my oldest daughter and son as well, what had happened is a testimony to the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father. She is doing well and will continue to do so. I, on the other hand, was sustained throughout her healing but by the time we were through with everything, the emotional stress had put me over the top. A person can only take so much pain, and I had reached my limit. My heart locked. Closed to everyone, and for the first time in my life, I felt truly alone.
Either way, I was dead. I needed a miracle. A longing for one throbbed all within the one shred of dead hope that lay in the deepest chamber of my cold, empty heart.
Who am I NOW? Growing up I was a Child of God, He adored me, He LOVED me. Then I became a Daughter of God - oh the potential! The gifts that he had in store for me! Marriage, love, motherhood. I knew what my goals were, I knew that he had a plan for me and in the beginning I trusted 110% in that plan. - but then 10 years and 4 babies later I came to a dead end. No more babies for me?! oh! but they are growing up, they are preparing (as they need to) to leave me, then what?
Who am I now? I’m not a child anymore, and with every passing birthday I have become less and less of a young woman. So I am a woman. But what does that MEAN?
When I thought about this question my answers came in the form of ‘to-do-lists’, places to go, callings to fulfill, people to take care of. My answers were my never-ending list of obligations and responsibilities. Is THAT really all there is to being a woman?
There are tons of examples of women out there. But I didn’t know where to turn, I didn’t even have the energy of heart to look anymore - because looking had so often resulted in pain....
“So--is a true woman Cinderella or Joan of Arc? Mary Magdalene or Oprah? How do we recover essential femininity without falling into the stereotypes, or worse, ushering in more pressure and shame upon our readers.? That is the last thing a woman needs. And yet, there is an essence that God has given to every woman. What is at the core of a woman’s heart? What are her desires? What did we long for as little girls? What do we still long for as women? And how, does a woman begin to be healed from the wounds and tragedies of her life? Sometime between the dreams of your youth and yesterday, something precious has been lost. And that treasure is your heart, your priceless feminine heart. God has set within you a femininity that is powerful and tender, fierce and alluring. No doubt it has been misunderstood. Surely it has been assaulted. But it is there, your true heart, and it is worth recovering. You are captivating.”
‘Captivating’ by John and Stasi Eldredge pg. x
One day one of my dearest friends, and my surrogate Mother/ mentor knocked at the door. She had been mentioning to me that she had a ‘gift’ to give me but had not given me any indication of what that gift was. As she sat next to me on our couch, she took my hands in hers and told me, the our Heavenly Father had a gift that He wanted me to have. She told me that part of that gift was to be pampered and taken care of in a beautiful luxury home overlooking Pineview Reservoir for 3 days. No cell phones, no children, no spouses, nothing. She told me that I was to be nourished physically and spiritually. And that’s all she told me. She kept hinting at this book I needed to read, but she was tiptoeing around the subject enough that I didn’t press it. This angel of mine is so in tune to the Voice of the Spirit and I felt sure that if the Lord wanted me to have “the book” before the retreat, then I would. In the end, I didn’t have the book until the last part of the retreat. The Lord knows me so well, he knew that I needed to heal my heart, not read a book.
As this friend started talking, within 10 seconds flat, I felt like my chest was being squeezed, crushed, and filled all at the same time. I felt pain in that place where my heart had been and tears were pouring out of my eyes. That heart was still locked TIGHT. But the Spirit of our Heavenly Father was there, and to me it said “I’m still here sweetheart. You are not alone. I’m still here. Let me take care of you. This is my gift for you. It will be okay.” That stifling feeling in my heart was filled with the overwhelming thought of “What? THREE days, ALL TO MYSELF?” I haven’t had that much time alone since becoming a Mom. Unless you count the time in the hospital as a ‘break’ lol. And then there was the feeling that the pain that was being held behind the door of my heart was trying to burst through, and that thought scared me. I was sure I couldn’t take any more pain. I couldn’t be strong anymore, so I gingerly stepped back into my Fathers hand and held on for dear life.
A Woman’s Journey
Then the time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin
Beautiful my friend!!!
ReplyDeletexoxo